Colophon ·
13 February 07

The colophon is part of your intestines I think. I’m not sure really . It might be a breakfast ceral only available in the remotest parts of Scandanavia, but I can’t confirm this. Do you remember when people had “about” pages? Yeah? Well they don’t exist anymore – there’s a new fancy word for it called Colophon. i like to think of the web as a virus – someone starts something, and everyone follows like sheep. Sometimes, like syphiilis, you just can’t shake off the virus and have to play along with the other boys and girls. So this, in short is an about page, only it’s a bit more posh to say Colophon. So welcome to my about page..fuck..I mean colophon – please don’t hurt me.

The Author

You can read about who I am here. However, if you want a factual representation of who I am, then know this: you and I are not going to be friends; but it is legal for us to play together according to the law that binds me to this world. You cannot pull wedgies on me, nor can you say that you like my shirt, because frankly no one does you fibbing liar!

I’m younger than I sound, and older than I behave. I want to doss around, not actually do anything and try to have fun. I’ve been fired from work, I’ve been made redundant, I’ve had good times and bad times and they’re all here. I’m trying to change, but it’s always difficult when you’re at a certain age. I don’t like many people, and if I do like you, you must be some God-like subordinate, because it would take a bloody miracle to impress anything upon me.

The symptoms I suffer from are many; the sickness I suffer from is greater. I don’t dwell on the negativity; I swim in it, without my swimming trunks on because that old lady snatched them when I dived in. Dirty cow. I’m 24, bitterly insane, and I make a fantastic stir fry rice with spicy chicken thing. I tried it, and I really like it, so it gets 5 star udders from me.

The Site

Hola Senors and Senoritas and all things in between. This is my site; if you don’t know what that means, please read page 4799, paragraph 8, and lines 12-16 of the Imaginary Sekhu Manual But Still Relevant By Some Crazy Law book. It exists, somewhere, but I can’t tell you where, because if I did, the men with red rubber gloves and penguin masks will come after me again.

In a nutshell, folks, this site is for fun. I know the majority of you have probably never had fun, and if you actually read my posts, you’d think I didn’t either. Well, perhaps we’re in the same boat, except you’re doing the paddling, because if you didn’t paddle, I’d throw you overboard since I know how to paddle. Is it paddling or rowing? What if we had a speedboat?

Now, I have gotten into trouble for making a website for fun. The devious and fun-less people at the place I used to work found out that I had a fun website and decided to investigate my fun posts. They then had their own little fun by telling me that I was fired for having a fun website. This was not fun people. This was not fun at all, because it meant I had no money, which is not fun. The fun they imposed on me was permanent at their end, which meant they had fun, but I didn’t. Do you understand?

I have issues no bigger than a nuclear disaster, and no smaller than ant droppings. Like you, I am part human, but like your best friend, I also have three heads and four fingers on each nose. I am not an alien! I am simply a goat with no teeth. I should warn you, that anything I say on this site is a lie, and if it’s the truth, then it is absolute, but if the truth turns out to be a lie, then it is an absolutely true lie. I apologise for this paragraph, but I’ve been reading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy after 14 years and something’s are stuck in my head.

I don’t write to offend, I write to clear my head because the damn bastards in this country won’t give me a decent doctor.

Being a site of fun, you will find many topics which will offend, disgust or simply bore you. Yes, I admit, my posts can be boring, but if you’re reading them, then that says a lot about your complete lifestyle doesn’t it? Take what I say with a pinch of salt, where most of it is written in a moment, and captured forever, the moment itself does not last forever. I have nothing against people of any description, or animals or minerals or vegetables – I treat everyone equally and fairly with no favour to any group of people. We’re all from the same scum pool.

This website is the only form of therapy I have since my doctor won’t let me see a damned psychiatrist, and until they figure out what’s wrong with my head after some tests they do. I am not a psycho, I am not a madman, and I am probably saner than you are on a bad day, let alone a good one because I doubt you really have many good days. So don’t go crazy on me, or loco as we say in England. I don’t write to offend, I write to clear my head because the damn bastards in this country won’t give me a decent doctor.

A website for fun. That is what you need to remember. I guess you want some other statistical bullshit about who I am? Well, I am not a designer or coder (holy crap you don’t say!); nor am I writer, poet, dancer, animal catcher, street performer or astronaut. I am none of those; but I am a very hungry person when it comes to knowledge, learning, understanding and conceptualising. I am creative and artistic, but with no hands, it’s difficult to express this*.

I don’t feel pity for myself, because I think that would be pathetic. Instead I use pieces of string attached to a tooth on either side of my mouth to move my rubber hands. I sometimes use blind, Indian children to type for me as a way for them to earn additional money from working for excellent big name corporations who run their wonderful sweatshops. Let’s face it, an extra 50p a year on top of their annual pay of a whopping £3.00 will go a long, long way for these lucky devils. It’s difficult for me not to be generous**.

That’s about your lot I’m afraid. I like to be alone, I like to be quiet except when I’m talking or writing. I have many problems, more than you would be willing to spend time listening to. I’ve listened to your bullshit for long enough, I expect others have too, but it’s unlikely you have the time for anyone other than yourself. But that’s OK, the way this world is going, we’re all screwed anyway. Still, I like to remain optimistic. I write this website for myself, not for any third party, or to kiss egos or asses belonging to egos, or hairy feet that smell like rat urine. I do this for myself, and only myself. If anyone else reads it, that’s fine by me. If you have a complaint, take a ticket and wait your turn.

* Not true, but could be
** Generosity is subjective so don’t bitch

The Design

The design original design was based upon the theme Thought Mechanics by Theron Parlin. I started off with another theme called Manji and wanted to go the way of a single column theme. Having gone round in circles to try to make Manji unique, I was stuck on ideas and dumped it.

I had an idea, but I wanted something to start with because I had all the design skills of a retarded baboon with scabies. Gradually I came upon an idea that I thought would work well, and would require a cow. I asked a friend, Adnan, to create a logo for me of a depressed cow. I got something that looked like the devil and loved it, and so the site was designed around the logo. So the final product (although constantly tweaked out of boredom) was the result of about two months work of constant changing, learning, and implementing.

Adnan’s skills in graphics are truly impressive, as he has gone from strength to strength as the years have passed, and after a 2 year hiatus himself, together we came up with something that I think we were both quite happy with. The cow logo is mine, mine and all mine (and Adnan’s too probably) – it is a symbol of the size of my own udders that are very spiritual to me.

He supplied all the graphics including the background from a proposed layout. The site was designed with the idea of fun and cows in mind; the cow theme has come from something that we used on another forum years ago, where everyone tended to have a fondness for cows for, er, various reasons non of which are illegal, just so you’re aware. Besides, they make great shoes, and even better jackets.

Designed on paper, mocked up in Photoshop, pre-coded, but CSS’d using the Web Developer Plugin for Firefox, and finished with the logo by Adnan.