a losing battle ·
16 March 07

I’m going fucking mad here. I’ve spent most of the day fighting with the voice regarding my appointment with the psych today. I got up at 5am from sleeping very badly. I had an instant migraine, which lasted a few hours this morning.

It’s like everything has become an enormous giant step to take, even for the most trivial of things. What I mean by that is that being able to feel comfortable about travelling, not being so frightened or paranoid about other people around me, about what they might do to me, and what I may do to them.

But I am going crazy pacing up and down my room, I’ve done a lot of repetitive things today and the only that activity that has broken the monotony is writing this now. The pain is from the headache is just bearable, but it hurts like fuck. I’ve also got a tighter, stiffer jaw from all the anxiety I have built up. My face feels contorted and beaten.

I don’t understand what the fucking big deal is but I’ve also been severely depressed. I’ve had flashbacks from my childhood of being beaten by mother, how tired and sick of it I was. So sick of it that I one day hit her back, and that’s when she stopped beating me. I think.

I’ve been battling with the voice all day on whether or not I attended today’s appointment, which would the first time for me in a new place as my psych finds it easier to control the sessions at her offices where she’s not rushed finding a room and whatnot. I understand this, and it’s not like I haven’t visted that part of London before, I’ve gone past it plenty of times, even shopped there, and I know where the premises are. But, I can’t seem to let go of this idea that being there is going to kill me, or stress me to the point of a breakdown. I mean arguing with the voice today is pretty much tearing me apart for such a basic action.

For the voice if I go to therapy it’s like losing control, but at the same time he’s feeding the anxiety and stress and thoughts of overcrowding, about being around strangers, and an unfamiliar location, just basically tempting me away from going to therapy. It’s pissing me the fuck off, as is this fucking headache.

I feel so edgy, like I’m going to fuck snap at the slightest word spoken, or noise made. I’m listening to some IDM/Industrial/Power Noise music which is working for me as an outlet for my anger and hatred of everything right now. The chaotic clashing, and destructive noise is how my brain feels right now. I can’t listen to anything soothing, I can’t even watch TV. I get pissed off with what’s on the television, I get pissed off at my parents, I’m pissed off with everything right now, and I can’t do much to change it.

Well, I let my psych know that I wasn’t going to attend today by Email this morning, so I didn’t do it on too short notice. I mean I think I could still go, but that would be fucking around with her, and I don’t want to piss people about by saying one thing and doing another. So the voice wins this time. It’s a motherfucker because up until I got up this morning, I was ready to attend. It’s not the end of the world, but the voice is making me feel like it is not only the end of the world, but that I’m a coward for not being able to attend, that my anxieties are pathetic, that my existence is worthless. I’m a fuck up and no one can help me.

You know, I even agree with the voice that I’m a fuck up, and that no one can help me. I mean I can’t seem to snap out of my depression, I can’t deal with a voice due to some chemical balance. I know the voice isn’t real, I know it’s some part of brain malfunctioning, but it’s real to me. I hear as clearly as I hear people talking. I can’t shake this thing off, and I can’t seem to make head nor tails of how to help myself.

It’s been a very hard day today, because I haven’t been my usual strong self. Yes I get depressed on some days more than others, but today has been a very shitty day since the morning began. The repetition has not helped matters, and neither has my snappish mood. I feel everything is going against me the further or deeper I discuss my illness with the Dr, the worse I’m going to feel and think badly about. I can’t even construct a fucking sentence that makes sense at the moment.

I can’t sleep, I can’t watch anything, I can only listen music that feels like my mind is going to split open and detonate and explosive, splattering my brains all over the wall, bbqing other parts of it, and killing me instantly.

Most days I want to harm others, but days like today, I feel topping myself and being done with it. It’s like today I can’t cope with what I dealt well with yesterday. It’s a different day, it’s the same shit, so how am I so incapable of dealing with today’s round of insults and belittling.

I’m all choked up, I can barely breathe through my mouth, and I can’t even get water down without it hurting. My mouth is so dry, my hands have been shaking, and I’ve been in a shit state. Day’s like this I also think I should get back on the cocaine train, and start snorting again, regardless of what the consequences or damage are/is.

I’ve also been overdosing on my anti-depressants by one capsule for the past few weeks. It’s not to kill myself, but to deal with the growing depressing. But I don’t know any more. I don’t know if anything is working, neither the therapy, nor the drugs, nor the coping strategies. I thought I was getting better, but it certainly doesn’t feel like I’m getting better. If anything I feel like I’m going back to square one. My Dr told me that regardless of what I think, I can’t go back to square one because I’ve moved forward. That sort of pep talk feels like bullshit to me right now, and I wouldn’t give it a second thought because that’s how empty that feels to me.

No, I haven’t hit rock bottom, because if I did I’d be dead. When I hit rock bottom, you won’t find me writing a note, or posting on my blog, you’ll never hear from me again. For some of you that do this it will be bad, but for others who read this it will be a good thing. But I’m not ready to quit at the moment, I’m just struggling keep my mind together. I feel like I’m having a breakdown.

END