alan and me ·
28 January 06

It’s weird how it started, but all I remember is waking up in a room and being only a few inches tall. Next to me bouncing up and down was a blue-hued blob, who informed me we were friends. Along came a rat with three tails and suggested that the blob and I play with him (I assumed it was a him). The game suggested was tag, where one person is it, and has to run around to touch someone else to make them it so they’re no longer it.

We weren’t sure who was it for a while, as I watched the blob bounce up and down. I decided to call the blob Alan, because Alan felt like a cool name at the time. The blob could speak, it could communicate, it just bounced a lot. The rat seemed strange, but even with three tails it still looked like a rat. I remember the rat running into a little hole which was dark from where I was standing next to a sweeping brush. I got scared as I heard voices, I mean I was only a few inches tall.

Blob, I mean, Alan said he’d go in with me, so I agreed. We walked into the hole, blinded by darkness, I touched my way through by feeling the wall, or what I thought was a wall. As we came out of the darkness, I found out I was touching a wall, and this had me relieved by quite a lot. I thought I’d end up having touched part of something that wanted to make me it’s dinner. It wasn’t, thankfully.

Alan seemed happy and joyful at the whole experience, but my heart was fluttering like a butterfly trapped in a net. I saw the rat running around in an orange lit room. As I looked up I could see the torches lit causing all the shadows to jump around like monsters in the dark. Rat said this was his home, and where he liked to play the most. Blob bounced over to him and shouted, “tag”, and then started bouncing the other way at great pace.

It was getting late and me and Alan decided to head back. We got into a row boat, and I started rowing, waving goodbye to the new creatures we’d met

I saw Rat chase Alan – I keep calling him blob, and I don’t know why – and then turn to me, it’s teeth looked much sharper and at lot more vicious than they did in the brighter light of the other room. I know Rat was just grinning, but I still felt scared and my legs started to buckle under me. I got petrified and Alan came bouncing over and asked me what was wrong.

“Nothing, I just dont’ know what’s going on and I’m a bit nervous”
“Bah! Nothing to worry about here, you’re amongst friends”

Alan was right, and I started to build my confidence back up. Rat laughed and called us over to a quieter area of the room, away from the noise of the wind blowing the chandelier atop. We went over to a corner, underneath a wooden stair case. It seemed strong enough to hold if anyone came down. Rat showed us his collection of bugs that he’d collected, which freaked me out a bit, as it made me think of spiders now being bigger than me. I was never scared of them when I was bigger, but things were slightly different now.

I lay back and started at the wooden pattern underneath the staircase when I heard some cackling. It startled all of us, and much to my dismay something shot down, holding onto web. It wasn’t a spider, more of a troll crossed with a spider. She started at me and drew her fangs out, licking them. Alan bounced hard, as though he was ready to make a run for it. The creature crept forward, but I was too frightened to move. It then spat something out of its mouth. A green, slimey ooze dribbled out and was wiped away with what looked to be a tongue. The creature made an announcement.

Then in front of me a cover came off, and presented before me was an old lady that looked like a shrivvled prune, or when your hands get so wet they wrinkle up

“I am the queen of the show boat, and we’re looking for people to entertain the guests. Would you be interested” As she spat more goo out and licked it back up, leaving a shiny, bright bug-eyed surface.

“We don’t know how to entertain, it’s just me and the blob, I mean, Alan. Sorry Alan.”

“That’s ok, I think we could do it, in fact I think we should”

I thought about this for a few minutes, and then decided we had nothing to lose and agreed. We were told we needed to be on the boat by 10, and that it would leave without us, and we weren’t to disappoint her or there would be consequences. The message was clear enough, once you’re in your in, or you die. At least that’s how I read it. Rat got bored, and possibly worried and argued that he wasn’t involved so he went home. That just left blob and me to get to the boat.

It was very close to 10 when I found Alan again, who was playing on the pinball machines. I tried to tug him but my hand just went through and came out the other side. Alan had a go at me for splitting him in three again, and he hates it when I do that. He said,

“How would you like to be split and then have to put yourself back together??”
“I’d love it,” I said, “It’d be a cool trick”

Alan was annoyed by what I said, and called be a shit. He wasn’t angry for long though, as I warned him we were late. Alan changed to a dark red and agreed to hurry. We ran and bounced as fast as we could and saw the boats leaving. They were more like luxury cruise liners, than boats. They looked like space ships from our distance, giant planets of metal floating by at monumental speed, growing bigger with each passing. We had to climb a bridge and then jump off it to make it, but we finally made it.

The Baboodas were facial parts with extravagant coloured hair sprouting out from strange areas

I didn’t want to go on, and Alan got stage fright too. He ended up on the pinball machine with some goths and heavy metal fans. He didn’t mind them splitting him up, but I think he was more scared than actually complaning. It seemed his fear control was staying at the pinball machine, and hoping I came to get him.

Meanwhile, I watched as people were jumping up and down to the music. I coudl see some of the show from where I was standing where people dressed up as peppers and tomatoes and did a big musical number. I didn’t realise this is what I had signed up for. Two girls grabbed me and told me I was late and took me into a room. They were cute and familiar in some ways, but not common. I always had a werid spot for girls.

Then in front of me a cover came off, and presented before me was an old lady that looked like a shrivvled prune, or when your hands get so wet they wrinkle up. One girl grabbed my right hand and started to stab my nails with bullet holes which spewed out blood, they were then filled with colouring. Sparkly stuff which stung like hell as it was poured in to the holes at the top of my fingers, nails shattered and all. They then grabbed both my hands and placed them in front of the old lady, who picked up what looked like an electronic fork and stabbed my fingers again, but this time gold nails with runic writing start to grow at the end of my fingers.

We weren’t sure who was it for a while, as I watched the blob bounce up and down. I decided to call the blob Alan, because Alan felt like a cool name at the time

They told me I was up next, after the Baboodas. The Baboodas were facial parts with extravagant coloured hair sprouting out from strange areas. Take for example the nose, where the coloured hair sprang from the tip of it. Or the eyes where the pupils were bristled with the coloured hair. I saw Alan bouncing up and down, and enjoying the show. He looked at me and winked, I think. I can’t tell if he’s winking really since he has no face, it’s just a gluttonous, reflective face.

After my performance, the Queen of the Show Boat approached me and spat her globs of goo all over my face. Alan was about to bounce on her, but I told him not to. She walked away and the old lady came over to tell me it was a sign of approval, and that I should wipe it off anyway as it carried various germs I would otherwise introduce to humanity.

It was getting late and me and Alan decided to head back. We got into a row boat, and I started rowing, waving goodbye to the new creatures we’d met. Blob’s goth and heavy metal crew grabbed a pinball machine and through it our way. It was nice of them, except it fell into the middle of the boat and broke it in two. Alan was on one side, and I was on the other. Alan was the first to go as he had no friction and so couldn’t resist sliding slowly, then quickly into the water.

Then it was my turn. First my legs went in, and I looked back up to the ship but it had already sailed way past us. I had a fun time though, as my body became immersed in the water, and I was neck high in the deep. Alan was still alive, it seemed, as he sent messages in bubbles that popped in the air, like a reserved echo for my ears only. Well there was no else about. Alan couldn’t do much though as he was becoming part of the water and dissolving away. I hung on for what seemed like a good while, not resisting my fate, but not succumbing to it either.

My head was the next to go down, and as the lungs began to fill with water, I watched downwards, floating towards a dark, dark abyss filled with things that I would never see, because before I got to the bottom, I was dead.