back on track ·
6 July 08

Wasn’t sure how to begin this, but I can say that I’m feeling better on the medication than I was off it. I feel more relaxed, less anxious, and a bit more upbeat abut things. I feel more confident, more motivated and keen to do something constructive and productive.

I’ll be starting on my University application soon, I’ve done part of it, but I have to chase two people for their assistance to complete certain sections. Both are difficult to obtain, I am finding, however, but I will persist.

I don’t normally write blogs this short, but I think I don’t need to over analyse in any great part how I have been over the past two to three weeks. I no longer feel that constant nausea, dizziness and mental chaos that I was suffering from when I stopped the medication. Perhaps the medicines were not wholly remove from my body, and that’s why my body reacted the way it did because it had been used to constant use of medications. A bit like breaking a nicotine habit.

The voice hearing was quite difficult to handle during these past few weeks. I still see cockroaches crawling around, or crawling on my body. I still panic when there’s lots of strangers around when going out, and I feel as though I am getting more afraid of things in general. I never used to have a fear of heights, but suddenly I feel as though I do.

I’ve been known for having a strong stomach for all things graphic, but I watched something that I could before, but not any more. I just felt queasy as hell. I won’t mention what it is, but you can probably narrow it down to a few things, and the clue is a lot of youtube reactions to it.

Hopefully 2008 will be a good year for me, or even 2009 – I’m hoping something positive will come of this desire to go to University. It’s also a big step for me in terms of how I handle the voice within a educational environment, within a social environment, and a broader more inclusive environment.

I’m not sure what it will be like, but I have had a couple of nightmares about it – in that I won’t be able to cope with getting my clothes washed at the local laundrette or whatever. I don’t know if they have those facilities within the campus, or not. I don’t know anything right now, but it’s pretty exciting.

If I don’t get in this year I’ll try next year and do an access course this year. That should hopefully help things move in the direction I want it to. I am making small but positive steps to reclaim myself, and to hold the voice and his commands at bay. I’m still struggling now and again, but it’s a whole lot better than I was before.