better off meds ·
28 June 08

Has it been two weeks yet since I stopped taking my antidepressants? I think it is, but I’m not certain, it’s been a few days at least to get the medicine out of my system. So how does it feel?

Well, to be honest it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was expecting something a little more dramatic than just an upset stomach, nausea and dizziness amongst other symptoms. Initially it was the first few days that really took their toll on me. I had the pain, the nausea etc. and that was really tough for me. I couldn’t settle my stomach regardless of eating. I couldn’t drink anything without feeling as though volcanic vomit was going to spout violently from my mouth. The only respite I had was having simple, happy thoughts of simple, happy things. Thinking of getting a kitten, for example. Look after it, rather than skinning it.

If I lay down on my bed, I feel unwell and jittery, but it’s better than being upright and wanting to see the digested contents of my stomach. It didn’t happen, and I think that’s down to my own tolerance of the effects of not taking my medication I think. I was more than tempted to just stick my fingers down my throat and puke my guts out. It was really bad. But then I remember reading somewhere that the bulimic do something similar and that not only does it work in losing weight, it also causes damage to your stomach because the reaction is so violent.

Of course I would have to eat something in order to vomit and keep the weight down. It’s not my thing though, and I probably would cause some damage to my stomach if I was to stick my finger down my throat and vomit on an empty stomach. In any case, that time and those feelings have passed. There is still the residual nausea and dizziness that I still feel. I still have to regular bed rests to lay down and hope the feelings go away eventually.

Mentally is where I am stuck at the moment. The thoughts and feelings to harm myself has grown a helluva lot. I don’t believe that others or myself are in any immediate danger, but my depression has certainly been more than I can manage at times. It’s made the voice much more dominant in the relationship between myself and him.

There were days that I felt most vulnerable, early mornings especially, and the voice would paint a picture of disaster and ruin with anything that was connected to me, or in which I had influence. I’m not even sure that makes a whole lot of sense. But what I am trying to convey here is not only was the relationship more controlling for him than me, but also my belief and will to defeat the control over me was waning. I was very concerned that it would end up quite.

I still remind myself that the depression isn’t really important, as it’s a symptom of the schizophrenia as was expressed to me by my previous psychologist. For example, I did ask to be treated with ECT, but I was told that would only be feasible if my depression was not related to my psychosis, or that I was a manic depressive, the type of depressive that appears to be unable to communicate or function in the real world due to the depression. I do not fit into that bill, based on what I have learnt over the last few years. Still, I wonder if I can handle the anti psychotics not being in my blood stream for a similar period, and what the consequence of that would be.

Well I haven’t really explained any gain in this little experiment of my mind. I wasn’t sure what to expect to be honest. I mean I’ve lost my appetite, I’ve lost my patience, I’ve lost my ability to think before I speak, amongst other things. I am becoming much more free with my writing, whether it be creative writing, communication via IM clients, or verbally.

It’s allowed me to be more free flowing, and I have liked this part. I was really worried that I would be dead inside when it came to those factors I mentioned. Fortunately those factors were mostly dormant. I won’t be able to write as fluidly or as creatively as I would have liked to before and during my medication, but I hope I can capture some of that scribbler in me.

I seem more receptive to humour, and that’s whether I hear it, view it, or read it. My ability to laugh at things was something again I found difficult to do. My uncle once said that the doctors were talking shit and that I wasn’t actually depressed or schizophrenic. They were just pumping me full of drugs just because I felt a bit down. May be he was right, I don’t know.

There are still some effects from not taking my anti-depressants that I feel, as I mentioned earlier, the biggest downer being that I am still depressed. More so than when I was on the medication, although I can’t recall how bad I felt before the meds. For every laugh I have, for every piece of writing I can create, it’s attached to the biggest bites by depression and the voice into my mentality.

Right now, I just want to cry, and I can feel the tears well up, but I’m holding strong in not crying. Not because I think crying is girly, but because if I was to cry, I would only be giving ground and strength to the voice and to the illnesses. I could breakdown and give up and take an overdose, but it’s not the solution.

I can and will fight this son of a bitch, and find some way to overcome it so that it no longer takes any lead in my mentality and guidance in my life. I don’t want to be a schizophrenic. I want to worry about normal things. How am I going to get a job I like? How will I keep a steady flow of income? Where do I want to be in x years? Shit like that is trivial and materialistic, but I have the right to be as superficial as I want to be without having the cloud of schizophrenia hanging over my head ready to bolt me into submission.

Will I go back to the anti-depressants? I’m not sure. I still am not 100% free of it, be it biologically or mentally. I am still in the belief that there is something left over from all those pills that I casually popped in my mouth and swallowed with cold water, like a prisoners last meal before the electricity ends his living days. Perhaps not so dramatic then. I may go back to the medication, but it will be an informed, if amateurish, choice that I make. I’ll try to keep informed about it, and see what the future brings.

/end