brother ·
8 January 08

I doubled my dose of my medication yesterday and also today. I’ve been feeling on edge these last few days, as well being more emotive. Nothing interesting has happened, so I can’t attribute these feelings to anything in particular. The reason of taking an overdose was to help remove those feelings of anxiety.

Perhaps I’m not being truthful with myself. I have felt a little closer to my half-brother, and he’s been hanging around my room whether it’s to watch a movie, cartoon, to use the Internet and the like. Yesterday he started school again, and I was a little crushed that he didn’t come and say hello after he came back from school. I don’t know why I felt bad, but I felt betrayed, and paranoid about him not acknowledging me until he needed something like access to the computer, to videos and dvds and the like.

For years I’ve tried to distance myself and to stay away from becoming attached to people, in this case my half-brother. I don’t want these feelings of brotherly-love towards him. I don’t know what the hell to do with such feelings. Embrace them? Reject them? Suspect them? I really am clueless on how to be a brother to him, and I don’t particularly want to learn how to. If I try not to give into his demands to watch x, y and z then he has a tantrum or sorts. He’s at the age where he’s more brattish than cute.

I’ve spent months watching TV series after tv series, using it as an excuse to not do any of my coursework. I think I feel ready now to continue my studies and to finish the course. I’ve estimated if I do a section/test a week I could be done by March or April. That’s if I stick to one a week, however, what will mostly likely happen is that estimate will probably double or triple, but before the end of the year I will have finished the course. This can only be a good thing.

The idea of a new individual taking over my case feels, I don’t know, strange and alien to me. Having not changed for so long, I guess I got used to my psych. It was useful having the therapy because it gave me a reason or a motive for going out, other than to see my mate. I don’t how long it will take me to adjust to a new person, but I hope I want have to go over old ground, and that I will be able to progress further with handling my illness. I also hope I learn something new, because I think I’ve learning that little bit more so far in the therapy sessions.

Well I guess I’ll have to wait and see how things progress.