celebrate good dreams come one! ·
31 May 11

I’ve been in therapy for….about 6 or 7 years now. IT did help, especially when we started doing CBT, then I got bored of it because I read as much as I could on it so I wasn’t learning everything from her, so I did my way and realised the root problems were vary many. I was also taught how brain works, and I understand there is a chemical imbalance in my brain hence the copious amount of medication they’ve given me. I take 60mg Duloxetine (anti depressants), 30mg Ariprprazole, 15 mg procy clidine and now lorazapm I think it’s called and i’m on that 3 mg.

I can’t shake it off. Honestly I’ve tried everything, my relationships have suffered immensely my family life has taken the brunt, I expect that’s possibly why my mother and step father split (though the guy was a cunt anyway, telling his own kid to fuck” So anyway, I work well under pressure, I’m on my to either a 1 st degree or at least 2.1. I get bored easily always, with some exceptions. But uni life sucks, the lecturers teach us nothing. We do fuck all work, and then we found out we did a course only designed for one semester and never to return, because it was so linked with web design and tech they decided to split in a ridiculous way. Exam are over just gotta wait for the outcome. }Even thinking about my issues makes eye well up, because I’ve done really well for the past 15 years of blocking those, then this girl comes along who’ve I’ve seen on and off, and now I see her regularly – but she doesn’t love me the way I do her, and she won’t give me a straight answer. That by the by but as you can tell more pressure. I am decisive. Shit my fucking hallucinations are starting again. Not o bad this time. Earlier I dreamt there was a fight downstairs, and started shouting like a maniac to stfu, I hadn’t woke up, it was just a dream of course. But thenI O reacted to other things I Had problems with Watching as insects crawl into your and into your brain, feeding off, Also I haven’t’ eaten for 3 days or 3 nights, this will be my 4th day. It ‘s because I’m never hungry, I dont get downsers from alky or cigs, I cn smoke when I want and stop when I want. I was sober for 3 easy years. I need to move out, but y mother has too care for mbe cooking and cleaning etc – I cna’t bend over due to pulling something in my back. I had 3 physios tell me there was nothing wrong ith. Even my GP said the same. We’re assuming it’s just a psycholgical thing, but can that much pain be caused by imainging it? Cu it hurts like hell when it kicks in. I feel I;m not geeting enough out of life, I want information overload, but relevant information, and to meet intereting like minded people minus the depressiona dn schiz. I am a suicide risk, the voice heairn gcan be very powerful, fortunately tis almsot gone thanks to the meds. However, the depression seem to remain. I’m willing to give anything a sensible try, even homoeopathy. There is nothing in my life i care about, my friends, family,th world at large. I keept telling mhself find something to liove for, but I dunno how. I;m not doing this “i need to find myself” julia roberts movie, I feel drawn tjhe darkside, that of harming others, killing them as trophies that sort of thing. The irony is i’m doign well at Uni, so I wnoder why I feel so low. I dont believe in science, or religion, or in atheism, I dont believe in helping others ( cep friendsmaybe) , I dont care about hte way I loook, though I do shower for a 2hou session which is he only solace I have forom everything, it;s just two ohours of thinking time as the water smashes ion tyou head. Cuz I love the rain but I won’t be aweatherman, and I love phiosophy but I won’t be a teacher, I wnna help kids learn english, but I dont care enough to aplpy. See I;m not lay. I still donate to chraity abou£t20 amongst 4 charaities but I fel tit was important. I fear a relapse comong, and it sucks because I hav only 3 months of vaction to find out if passed or not, then I gotta think about masters, I will move out after my bachelors as my back is improving now slowly but surely.I cna’t change drs there’s 1 year wait I rem one the left side of my body became paralysed, My arms leg torse and arm all and afte 40min I was back up again -of course no one jhelped, fucking londoners. SI aslodeveloped a break down, fainted and woke up to find I coudlnt speak english anymore and had speech therapy. So that this points ot some psychosocial problem.But i can’t shake the fucker no matter how had I try. Find a hobbyyou say, thos eI want to hobby woth are liek 2 hours away. Fo mysefl I sometimes itws fun in sp mp, i do love coop though with my hate, who happens to be a junkie, but wone with a good heart, – well not ao junkie then, a coke head. Poor bastard is addictefd to the stuiff. I’m hallucinating again – I can hear canned laughter, very loudly, and it’s like everybody loves raymon the jjokes, but the joks wrent very good. In factit snto even on the new is on, but Ican see and watch an episde via my ears, and it all soundsliek its real. And when I turn the sceen Iturn it off, but I can hear the news anchors, when I an’t hear think looking at the sceeen, and nor am I lip reader. The gil and I have known each for ten years on and off, i’m 31 and she’s 25 I think I might break off the friendship, even though we are extremely close. It may make me better. May have to stay away from mycoke head friend who ive knon for nearly 20 years. Maybe that will help, not htat i see theme that often, say once a month if that.Uni commitments etc. I feel dead inside, like ihave no heart or empathy for anyone or for myself. Sometimes I think fuck try killing your self again, an dont fail this time. Christ I forgot where the sceen was its rightin fron tof me. Hop weird/. And I jsut thought I saw my brother in my room on thebed playing ps3 games an shouting the players and stuff, Ijsut turned around nno one there. I also suffered from black outs from being an alky for 5 or 6 years. Everybody loes Raymond is onw, well should watch but its the news, the episode is runing around my head. Just thoguth mum is the room cleaning, fuckign apparitoins. Theyr’ea live but fuck even the keyboard is doubling in size. Maybe some slep will do me good. What do you think? edit: i may relapse into suicidal thoughts and attempts, to harm others. If i tell my shrink thi shes gonn send me back to the mental hospital where i’ve been aresident twice. God I wish there wa s magic pill to cure this shiit so its ALL ghuess workon thepart of science.It s trial an d error for what works so we only use a small part of our brain or something. Now i’m hallucinating again insects crawling into my arms, snakes in my bed, the sun is simply a lsitening device, but it can’t read. I dunno dumb things. and I can’t even use punblic trasnport for two reasons 1) before i pulled my back it was I coudl ride the bus, but now thr distances too great than the bwmw does. What amI talkign about no, these sounds like commerical ads Ishould be propsiing. I’m going FUCKING NUTS HERE. HELP ME PLEASE!

NOTE: THe awesome number of spelling erros but you have to admit it it look cool. i’m on my sleeping pill this toook a gargantuan effort