ding dong the shrink is dead ·
29 November 07

I think my shrink may be dead. Or may be, and more likely, pissed off. I spent a lot of time avoiding my appointments due to various factors. Factors which including a period of fear where I couldn’t leave my house for fear of attack or outburst. Sure, it was just my paranoia kicking in, but I was certain that going out would involve my death. I imagined and dreamed of dying in various ways, nothing spectacular or creative. Being stabbed to death, shot, strangled, hit n run and all that jazz.

I’ve canceled a lot of my appointments, and I would understand if my psyche got pissed off eventually. I can imagine my psyche screaming “fuck this bastard” in frustration. Throwing my progress in a pile of paper, ready for recycling. It’s a fuck up of my own doing. When I feel cornered, however, then how am I supposed to react?

In the last two weeks I picked up my kid brother from school on a couple of occasions. I rarely talk to him on the way back. He talks to me, asks questions, and in reluctance I answer. It doesn’t matter to me that the questions are the most intelligent, he’s intelligently retarded. I see no chance of him succeeding in Secondary School, or even making it to college. He’s a good artist, he copies well and puts what he’s learned from copying into work that is his own. However, you can’t achieve anything if you can’t read or write. But, I’m going to keep my nose out of his affair as it has nothing to do with me, and I’m not his parent. They can deal with that, and it’s their responsibility.

Traveling to Finland and Germany was enjoyable, if a tiring exercise. In Finland we had a fair amount of fun trying to save money where we can, but then spending most of our money on alcoholic drinks and smokes. The demo party wasn’t bad, it was mostly set in an arena, and in fact I think the place we went to was called Arena. It was pretty huge and was like being swallowed by a giant whale and surviving in its insides. It was cold, but not damp.

Germany was fun too. We drank a lot of beer there, in fact I’m trying to remember when we didn’t have beer. I remember we gave a out last three beers to a drunk who’s father had died recently. Two of the guys we met at the German demo party, Evoke, were crashing with the drunk and he kept them up all night playing on the Nintendo Wii.

By the time we got home, we were pretty much broke. Alcohol was just too damn expensive in Europe. Particularly in Finland, where it was twice the price of a beer in England. 10 euros got you two pints of beer, and they’re not even proper pints, most gave us Xml because they were not set up for pouring in pints. There were some exceptions, and then it was a case of paying even more for a pint. Shots were expensive too, I mean I spent 40 euros on one round of shots, and I kept wondering if I would have enough money to survive the week and a bit that we stayed. One of the guys we met kept nicking our smokes, he would ask for one on a regular basis. We kinda got sick of hearing him ask, even his girlfriend suggested he buy his own. He sponged off us during the Finland part of out trip. That took some fun out of the whole thing.

Overall though, it was worth doing, we enjoyed it and it was an experience, plus we hadn’t done a trip like this before. I was also a nurse-in-training as my friend had to have these injections to take, to stop him from getting blood clots so essentialy to keep him alive. I got better and better with the needle, and it was fairly easy to inject him. I enjoyed it!

So I don’t know what’s going to happen with therapy now. I did agree to joining a group session, though it’s very lax in its approach. You can enter the session and then leave when you want, it sounds more like a get together to whine about the problems facing each individual than any real form of therapy. I guess what I do now is whine to my shrink anyway. So the difference may be negligible.