educating sekhu ·
14 May 08

For the love of…something. I haven’t worked in 3 years and I haven’t studied a real course for around 10 years I think. Now, I want to go to University, as I didn’t take the opportunity to do it the first time in my younger years. I spent most of my time drunk, drugged up, or something else that relates to laziness and innocent corruption of my youth. I didn’t care, but getting older, I do care.

It’s a bit late in the day to have these thoughts. I’ve fucked up my life, through various means, in addition to having it fucked up by my own parents. My education has been crippled and rendered useless thanks to the fact that I turned out to be a schizophrenic with a mission to hit rock bottom all because my counsellor helped me open the bottle of pain I had kept trapped inside. Not a literal bottle, because that would hurt, as demonstrated by Last Tango In Paris. It was either that, or some generic porno flick.

My biggest concern and fear is not being able to get into a decent university. Not a great one, not the best, but a decent one. I will be entering the world of higher education through something like a college “Access” course. If I recall correctly, it’s a year long course that covers English, Maths and IT depending where you do the course.

Then, with that, you’re able to do a proper degree with the basic tools under your belt. I’m not worried about doing an access course at college, but I am concerned and mostly confused as to how I go about finding what Universities support Access courses from which colleges. For example can I do the course in my local college, and carry on from there to a university that accepts Access course students from other areas. I’m not sure who I talk to with regards to this.

There’s also another fear of not getting on a degree course. I’ll just be shot down before I take off, so technically speaking I would be shot level before flying. It’s important to me, going to university. I wish I did my A levels, I wish I went to university when I had the chance. My qualifications will help me get into a basic job, say 12-18k a year.

I’ve been on 24k a year before, but then I got fired for writing my blog during work hours and wanting to kill the disabled woman, and having an animated gif taken from Videodrome where the guy’s head explodes, which they mistook for someone in the office, or representing any one in the office. Dumb bastards, I was good at my job.

Where do I go from here? It’s not a question I haven’t asked before. Does that even make sense, have I made a double negative? I’m confused.

I am also quite concerned about whether I can still apply for higher education, while on benefits due to illness. My friend managed to, and admittedly he was worse off than me, and had better grades than me having done his A levels I think. Further more, how will my relationship with my voice affect me as I enter further education, or meet new people and so on. Do I have to declare this illness when they ask what I’ve been doing for the past 3-4 years? If not how do I explain my absence from work or education?

Truth be told, I’m pinning all my hopes on one basket, and that’s University, to provide other vocational or study opportunities. It’s the way out, for me, to remove myself from this self-imposed isolation and depressive lull. I feel excited about nothing, except going to university. I want a good grade, I want to study, I want to get out of London and I want to change the path I’ve taken. Am I already too late? I don’t know. I hope not.

Scared and confused, I’m going to sleep.