end of discussion ·
3 February 08

I’m feeling disappointed, depressed and demotivated. The three “d’s” as I will coin them. I was supposed t have my last session with my shrink of about 2 and a bit years on Friday 1st February. I had every intention of going, but I also had to meet with my new key worker who shall remain nameless. I shall call him, bike man, because he rode a bike to visit me that day and I think he cycles on a regular basis.

So anyway, as I explained in my Email to my shrink I wouln’t or couldn’t attend because I was exhausted from meeting with bikeman. Bikeman talked a helluva lot, and seemed to like to hear the sound of his own voice, as well as sounding as they he needed my approval for certain comments. He kept saying how I didn’t have to answer any questions I didn’t want to, which I understood the first time I met him, but it was the umpteenth time he told me and I had already met him three times previously.

Other things that annoyed me was that he was overly enthusiastic, and kept inerrupting, not really letting me finish my sentences. Almost as though he was trying to finish them for me, but I Would not cvomply with is demands. I’m listening to Social Broken Scene at the moment, so that’s probably keeping my cool a lot more than perhaps I would normally be. I would attack with typical venom and angst towards him, but I just dont’ have the heart, the mood or the energy to do so.

My reasons for not attending the last session with my shrink was true though. I did feel exhausted and didn’t have the energy or mental capacity to cope with another discussion for an hour about what my problems are. Oh and another thing about bikeman, he seemed to second guess what I was alluding to when talking, he kept making presumptuous statements, and he would not just shut the fuck up. He’s not even a shrink he’s just an occupational therapist, but he was even repeating that he wasn’t a shrink every moment he had.

I think to be fair may be he was nervous about me, or may be that was how he behaved normally. Honestly though, I don’t understand how my psych teamed me up with this buffoon and what the chances are that I will at some point like the guy enough to talk to him in a manner which is not apprehensive. I can see myself crossing my arms, keeping with a constipated look of disapproval towards everything he says. I don’t want to, but things need to improve, and it doesn’t help my mental health in any way if I feel this anxious.

Talking of visits, I did see my Dr the other day and discussed my treatment. He prescribed me meds below the dosage that was preferred me during the week in Crisis House. It’s about half or less the dosage hat I was doped up on.

I didn’t mind this actually. Ideally I would be on no drugs and I would be mentally stable. At the end of the visit he said, paraphrasing, “I’ve known you since you were 14, why do you think you’re like this?”. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that but I did tell him I heard voices since I was twelve, and for me that was totally normal and no one eluded t the possibility that things may not all be correct in my head.

The sedative meds are working better than they did before, seems the longer I take them for, the longer they last. I wake up most mornings clueless as to where I am, and sometimes who I am. I need at least five to ten minutes staring at the ceiling above me to remember what the next step after sleeping is. Yes, it’s a bad thing that the medication is making me more retarded, but that’s a sacrifice to pay for being stable and sane. Would you rather I walk around with a sharp edged knife.

I can’t even remember what I was annoyed about, the drugs are working well. I feel drowsy and week. I know I Should have attended my last session with my shrink as we had built a relationship of patient and psych, and it was one of the longer relationships I’ve had with a stranger. It wasn’t a new person every time as it is sometimes with psychotherapy, and for that I am grateful. She said she’d post me a goodbye letter. I’ll see how I feel when I read that when I get it.

She broke my trust twice, but I didn’t hold a grudge about it. I didn’t see any reason to. Outside of my shrink I hardly met other strangers, which is different to when I was a lot younger and even the complete opposite. It’s probably not healthy the way things went but for the time I think the decisions made were the right decisions so I dunno.

In any case, I can’t stay awake much longer and my grammar is spilling all over the place, sentences becoming incoherent.