grin and bear it ·
10 June 07

At 16/17 I was on Prozac, for a fairly short time I was on Paroxitine but the side effects broke me, and shut me down. Since 2005, I think, I’ve been on Duloxetine for which I was a guinea pig of sorts, during my stay in a mental hospital, which initially caused tremors and more, but after taking Ophenedrine for a while, those side effects reduced.

For my psychosis I was on Zyprexa which made me gain weight and I’ve not been able to get rid of that extra weight, so then they switched me to Abilify which was another new medication I was put on. It worked great for a while, but that damn thing always kept me awake, and I suffered from insomnia since my early teens, so it eventually became a situation where I was not sleeping for several nights at a time. Finally, either late last year or early this year I was switched to Risperidone which has been working fine since it has a sedative effect. Though they have had to supply me with Procyclidine for the side effects.

It’s not fun being a guinea pig, you don’t really know what the effects of the medication are for an individual, but I was quite desperate for some sort of resolution with my illnesses, and was grateful for anything that was given to me, as long as it worked and didn’t have any adverse side effects. Of course I often threw cocaine to the mix, and before that weed, Hawaiian woodrose, salvia and other drugs – I’ve never touched or intend to touch anything like smack or crack, however, as that’s just a step too far for me.

I had a concern that I wasn’t having enough mental and physical control over my life, without the introduction of medication to help me. I felt that it was important to separate myself from the medication, if I wanted more control. It was a noble idea, but I don’t believe I have the knowledge or know how, as well as no experience in managing without my medication. I tried stopping my medication abruptly and that resulted in a hellish week for myself.

So even if I don’t want to be on medication, I don’t think I’m strong enough to be able to manage without right now, since I have not been on medication for very long, just a few years really. I think maybe in a few years I will be able to wean myself off it once I have a life again, where I’m working and such, which would probably encourage me to become more independent.

Things will soon fit in to place. But right now I just have to grin and bear it.