hold your nerve ·
16 June 08

The time in between my blog entries is growing, mainly down to my lack of motivation to write any thing. I guess I’m writing now because I’ve become desperate to improve my current state of mind. If I can write out what I feel, I can then remove those emotions and change my mental state. It’s sort of like purging, you could say.

Another reason is because I can’t quite keep up with the way my brain has been racing with thoughts and ideas, some good, some bad, but all of them together is overwhelming. So, I’ve tried to relax a bit, by turning off all the distractions in my room. It’s not really meditating, but it’s as close as I could get without knowing anything about that subject area.

Once more, I’m in a state where I am feeling incredibly low. It happens several times throughout the year, where some days and weeks are harder to deal with more so than normal. I get t hrough it with will power alone, but I lose a bit of my defence to deal with those situations.

I feel suffocated by my familiar surroundings, and then afraid of the not-so-familiar outside. Recently I’ve been suffering from constant headaches and heart burn. I have meds for both, but I seem to be taking it far too regularly than perhaps I should. I always had this idea that I should never take too much of any medication, as the germs/viruses will build up a tolerance to it, and therefore I would have to take more than before in order to improve my condition.

My belief in this remains, but I’m sort of feeling very fucked up. I want some hard liquor to fuck me up a bit, for me to be able to forget about the physical pain and the mental anguish I’m constantly suffering from. It would allow me to wallow in self pity. In my current sober state, I am unable to do so, and instead adopt the “buck the fuck up” attitude.

I’ve been close to tears several times, unexpectedly. I’ve had to fight back to not start crying, because I feel so fucked up and lost. I have no direction in my life, and I’m feeling a bit flummoxed as to how to deal with it. I guess worries about University also come in to the fold. This is my current, priority concern and cause of some misery.

The fear of not being accepted is greater than the reality of how bad the situation is. In my head this is huge, it’s monumental and bigger than me. Well it is, if I let it. My rational side is saying this isn’t such a big deal, that I should regain my lost confidence in my abilities and be positive about my goal. The world will not end if I don’t go Uni this year, I can try again next year if needed. I knew this as a possibility before I thought about applying. I just got excited that I might be able to enter this year.

I’m going to try and write more again, I think it’s helping.