how do you forget someone ·
14 September 10

Arghhhhhh!! I have written and deleted this post several times and I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like a bastard. I’m not a bad guy, really, I’m not. This might be a bit long.

So I want to forget this girl. We dated about 13 years ago. It was a long distance relationship with me in one part of the world and she on the other side, which cost me about £3k via the telephone, which I never paid back so ha ha AT&T suck it.

Anyway, We speak on and off every few years. It ended badly with her when it did end. She stopped speaking to me for 5 years, and I kept writing to her, hoping she would forgive me. Then after 5 years she did forgive me, it was a fragile friendship because I didn’t know if I had put my foot in it by making jokes about her relationships and the like.

After we broke up she told me that she hated men for about 3 years before hooking up with this one guy. She stole him from the girl he was dating. When we started talking again, it was while she was with this guy, and it lasted like a year or something but she ended up knitting, and I said to her “WTF are you doing knitting? GTFO and party”. Well she ditched the guy in the end and decided that women were her persuasion. Apparently the guy she ditched was in a previous relationship (before the girl she stole the guy from) and she turned to women.

So my ex then dated this other girl for like a year or two and then hooked up with this guy who she ditched the girlfriend for. Apparently it was almost as bad as being with me, except he was always depressed and had no physical problems affecting him due to ill health. He made her feel miserable and depressed too, and never made her laugh. He had mood swings and shit, and although he never hit her, she never felt like she was there when she was around him. He had a temper, so eventually she ditched him too. She said I at least had good taste in music, but that’s subjective, and appreciated that I made attempts to be happy but understood now it must have been difficult due to voice hearing.

So about a year ago she came to London and we agreed to meet up. We hadn’t seen each other since we were 17 & 18 respectively. And she was bringing along the new guy she was with. It wasn’t as awkward as you’d imagine, I didn’t feel like a third wheel since we the conversation was flowing while they were eating and I was drinking. I was getting drunk slowly, which was why it went bad last time. I had to pace myself, but I couldn’t control myself. I can only control my drinking with my closest male friends, otherwise I will not pace myself and get drunk.

So I met the guy, he was great worked in marketing and design or something (I was too busy drinking to pay full attention). He was complimentary and a nice guy, I was happy for the both of them and they were really seemed to have clicked with each other. At one point we went to another bar, he went off to HMV and my ex and I got chatting about the past, the present, and a little bit about the future. She told me that not only did I end up nearly destroying her self-confidence with my behaviour and my comments, but that I also left her with a parting gift which was a urinary infection. We laughed about it, and I apologised. She said it hurt when she peed, and it was probably because I didn’t clean my penis properly when I went to take a piss.

I was getting drunk, I was swaying, I forgot the poor guy’s name, even though he wasn’t there. I started to slur and she got worried that I was going to do something or say something fucked up so suggested we leave the bar. I don’t remember much about how I got home, all I remember is vomiting on the bus journey “about 2 hours with long traffic” I should have just puked in the toilets at the bar but I couldn’t tell where I was. I also got a bit depressed because I didn’t even say good bye to her. All I did was walk out while she went to the ladies toilets, thinking she was behind me, and ended up on the right bus. This was normal for me when I was drunk, which was on a regular basis, and increased when I was told I was a para schizoid.

So I sent her an email a year ago and said “Are you married yet?” because after the bar thing turned out, we didn’t exactly say keep in touch or whatever. So I was on the iphone using an IM client, and it showed up her name, and with it was a block sign. I hadn’t realised I had blocked her. I only discovered this about 2 months ago. I msged her out of the blue in essence, and she was shocked (don’t know if it was good or bad) that I had msged her, like after a year. She must have got my email though, but maybe she ignored it. I only asked her if she was married as a joke in that email a year ago.

But anyway, we started chatting again, it felt natural, fun (as fun as IM can get I suppose), exchanging stories about what’s happened in the year since our last meeting. We were in conversation, when she told me that she finally got legally married to her boyfriend. That sort of felt like a heavy thing to take in. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I mean I liked the guy, and he was good for her, but married? I thought “shit” now what do I do? I kinda got over the shock, and told her it was great and well done.

She then said it was great being with him, and she loved him and the like, but he wants kids, and she doesn’t. She’s adamant that she never ever wants kids, and she hates kids anyway and wants nothing to do with them, but her hubby does and his parents are pushing him to deliver some babies whereas her parents are backing her and are cool about whatever decision she wants to make. This got me thinking, because I wondered whether we had a chance to be together. Which we did, but married, I mean could I have been the guy she didn’t want to have kids with. My parents want me to get married and procreate, but I’m not keen on the idea of marriage, kids and the responsibilities that come with it. Wit her she says she doesn’t want children because it will make her bloated, her tits would sag and she doesn’t want to go through with a birth. She could have a c-section I guess but she doesn’t want scarring or whatever. They discussed this before they married, and still discuss it after the event.

When we last conversed we did discuss whether we still had feelings for one another. We both said not really, and that we were just two teens “enjoying” life and the adventure it brings. But I’m not sure if I don’t love her. Maybe I’m in the “in love with the idea of love” and not actually in love with her. I doubt I am important in her life, so I doubt I could wreck her marriage by jumping in and playing them off one another and being in the “good listener” role. I’m not a home wrecker, I would never wish it on anyone so I am not into it or whatever just some thoughts that have drifted. She wasn’t the first relationship I had, but I think it was the most significant because I was suicidal and not on meds at the time, so my behaviour was erratic, at times dangerous to others around me, and to myself (I would run into oncoming traffic but her cousin saved me from getting killed).

So how do I forget about her? I was watching that Simpsons Episode where Moe gives homer this shot he made to help him forget about this surprise birthday party. Is there a shot like that works for real and doesn’t kill me, or destroy or impair me in any way? I’ve stopped drinking alcohol, stopped smoking cigs, and quit drugs for over a year, nearly two years now so no narcotics please. And I didn’t quit for her, I just made a change in my lifestyle.

I need to forget about her, because we’re not gonna get back together. Of course I could ask them to adopt me, then she can do a Woody Allen and have sex with me and then marry me? So I’ll be her adopted son-cum-hubby.

I haven’t seen my friends in over a year too – due to my back problems which make my mobility difficult. I think I just miss contact with anyone other than my family at home. If I was fit again, then I could see them.

Or maybe I’m over thinking this.

Having written all that, and seeing as how it had frustrated me, I feel MUCH MUCH better now, It’s all out of my system. I’m good for another year.