lethargic pains ·
20 June 08

Today’s been a reasonably bad day. I’m nursing a toothache that won’t disappear. It’s been bugging me for ages and it hurts like hell. I’ve taken another two ibuprofen tablets to help easy the pain. My tooth doesn’t need to come out, it’s just sore in and around it.

The main reason I wanted to write was because it’s been nearly a week without my anti-depressants, and I’m starting to feel the effects of not being on my medication. I feel lethargic, uneasy, nauseous, and sick in general. They’re only minor effects, nothing too serious, but I am aware of the change, and the lack of medicine.

My local pharmacy received the prescription on Monday, though I had been out of meds since Wednesday/Thursday the previous week. So they gave me most my medicine, except for my anti-depressants, which they say they can’t get a hold of at the moment, but they’re trying to order some in, yet they can’t tell me when they’ll have stock as of yet. The problem is while I wait there’s no left over medicines, or alternatives I can take to deal with the depression.

Should the reaction be so quick, though? I’m not sure, I’m certain some of the effects may well be my own imagination, but I can’t be certain what’s real and what’s not. Perhaps this is a good opportunity to see how well I can manage without my medication, I’ve taken another ibuprofen pill, as the tooth ache is starting to piss me off. I’m not even talking, I’m typing, yet this fucking tooth is annoying the fuck out of me. And this crappy football match between Croatia and Turkey is hardly good entertainment. It’s just plain rubbish.

At least I have my anti psychotics, which will at the very least keep me sane and stop me from hallucinating that cockroaches are crawling all over my body. I’m stuck and limited in what I can do to deal with the depression side of things. Nothing makes me feel motivated, I have no interest in doing anything, I have no desire to write, to talk, to think, etc. The only thing my mind is focused on is the tooth ache.

There have been times over the week where doing the simplest task such as eating and cutting up food,or just sitting down I feel very much weighed down. As if there’s a force on top of me, and I sort of lose control over my body and I’m watching myself slither downwards like a snake on a tree branch. It’s been very hard to try to keep my energy up, as I don’t want to sleep nor remain awake. That is a symptom of not having my anti-depressants I believe, since I’m taking a break from my meds after having taken them for two years. Though I have been in similar situations before, it’s not the same this time.

My head hurts, my eyes can’t decide on whether they want to remain open or closed, my tooth is fucking agony, and the pain is spreading throughout my mouth. When I type I think out loud with a voice in my head. So aside from hearing the voice, there’s the vocal thoughts of what I am writing down. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does.

Talking about the voice, he’s really annoyed that I’m even attempting to go to University, or at least doing a course that can lead me to higher education. I’ve been called many things, had insults thrown at me, threats of what he will do if I don’t stop this “nonsense” about moving out and growing up, and studying. It’s been consistent, and I’ve had suicidal and homicidal thoughts, images, as you do.

I’ve gone back to not shaving my beard, as I don’t feel safe to do so. Not going out because I’m afraid of what might happen. I’ve even had problems and anxiety over picking and answering the telephone, and worse yet, making a call. I don’t know why, but I fear something bad is going to happen if I pick up the phone, that I’m going to get some bad news that will rock in a vulnerable state. There’s no confidence whatsoever left in me I think.

Things could be worse I suppose. Fuck now I’m too tired to write.