lifting the lull ·
22 June 08

I feel better, though not by much. I woke up early in the morning due to a stomach ache, so it wasn’t the most pleasant morning I’ve had. Inside my stomach were circus performers breathing fire, or partaking in acrobatics that made my middle twist and turn like a roller coaster without brakes. I took some antacids, which seems to be a bit of a trend for me at the moment.

I’m also taking ibuprofen far too easily and frequently. I think it’s possible that I may be getting addicted to just popping pills, and that is something I am very well aware of. It’s something that has quietly concerned me. Even before I was on anti psychotics or depressants, I was popping paracetamol every day before going to school and then when I got home pop another. I did this on and off for months, having the thought of a dodgy liver caused by too much paracetamol usage always on my mind when taking the medication.

Right now it’s need rather than habit that is dictating whether or not I take pills. For example, this is the fifth or sixth day since I have been off my anti depressants, and I feel queasy and a little abnormal. I don’t quite feel 100% or in control. I feel like a zombie reject that got refused admission to walk amongst the living dead because I ate too much carrot cake.

I’m in two minds about cocaine. On the one hand I haven’t touched the stuff since March, which is not a very long time, but honestly it feels like an eternity. My birthday just went and I didn’t even really notice, but with days now getting shorter, I guess I could extend those days without cocaine. Thing is though, I like the buzz I get from cocaine. It makes me feel good, and happy.

It doesn’t mean I can’t feel happy without it, if anything it improves the natural happiness I may be feeling. I am not addicted in any way shape or form. I get, I don’t know, pretty rattled when people say “Well if you’re not addicted, then quit”. That sort of talk often raises my blood pressure. You can apply that to many things. If you’re not addicted then: stop drinking alcohol, stop from not doing exercise, stop buying bottled water, stop anything and everything if you’re not addicted.

I’ve taken one 50mg of chlorpromazine, to help ease the day. I woke horribly in the morning as I said at the start, but the day hasn’t been getting better. I tried to sleep several times, but I got woken up by my half brother pretty much every time. So I took the chlorpromazine as an aide to helping me cope with the day that was feeling so shitty. It’s sort of working, though I feel I’m not quite here, I feel as though I’m floating, my head feels like it’s been filled with helium and is going to fly off at any moment.

I’m hoping things improve tomorrow.