moving forward ·
29 May 07

Today’s session tested my mind and my physical restraint I think. What I mean by that is, I was talking about thing that conjured up images, thoughts, and voice-related violence towards my psych. I’m sure she understood this, because she initiated and delved into the subject of voice related behaviour within sexual/romantic relationships.

It was a strange session, because I was confronting, I guess, my past experiences within relationships and the like. My relationships have faltered mainly down to the inability to demonstrate emotion properly, if I can say that. When within a relationship you need to give part of yourself to the relationship for it to work. For me it was a case of not doing so.

I don’t think I was ever in a relationship, but more of an observer of a relationship almost in a third person perspective looking in on myself and the relationship. The whole process was like a manipulated puppet show, crossed with spikes of coercion from the voice to treat the whole thing as entertainment if you will.

For example, I would demonstrate some emotion in order to start the relationship, but then almost suddenly shut off if the relationship was going to happen. So from the very start of the relationship the whole thing is doomed to failure because that is what I am used to and believe in. I have no confidence nor belief in the positive outcome of the relationship.

Subsequent actions on my part would hurt the other person in the relationship, which for the voice would serve as entertainment and would pull me in to further demonstrate the power and control the voice had over me. Part of me thinks I let this happen, but then I have to remember that for me voice hearing is completely normal and acting on the impulse of the voice was also quite normal for me.

In terms of sex I wasn’t brutally masochistic in any sense, but I did feel this anger or hatred expressed during sex. If I got too serious and was told to stop I would do. It would snap me back to reality.

Being in touch with my emotional side during sex served as an outlet for all the emotion. Whereas during “normal” living I would release that emotion through running razor blades down my arms, or doing some other self-deprecating act. At times the voice would convince me that to go beyond the “safe boundaries” was actually acceptable and healthy. I never crossed the boundaries because when I heard “stop” I would stop. I guess a part of me enjoyed it, pushing to see how far I could go before it would be considered dangerous if you will.

No one understood my mind at the time, and even I didn’t fully understand it. I sucked at relationships because I had an internal fight going on between the voice and myself. One relationship to another, I would repeat similar mistakes and the voice would kick in to control the relationship the way he wanted to, rather than the way I perceived I could, or even should.

My thoughts are now turning to my therapy now, and in particular ending therapy. My psych suggested and offered two forms of group therapy. I find the idea amusing, almost comic. I imagine the set up to be similar to that of an AA meeting, “I’m Mr X and I’m a schizophrenic” and then every claps and pats Mr X on the back for being “brave” in admitting he has a problem, and then the whole thing turns into a bloody musical with songs of peace and love being spouted.

I’m not confident or keen on the idea of group therapy. It seems hazardous to my health if I’m to be honest. What I mean is that it may make me worse rather than make me better because my dislike and lack of appeal to the idea would be dominant. In some way you could say I would be sabotaging the concept before I’ve even given it a chance to start.

But I’m an open minded type of person, I don’t shut off my options immediately. Well, not all the time. I want to give group therapy a chance, but I don’t want it to end being some façade, where people hold hands and sing segments of kumbaiyah (or however the fuck you spell it). I want it to be something serious, something that is going to “fix” me for want of a better word. I’m not expecting an idiot dressed as a wizard banishing my demons and inviting the killer bunnies to set up a perimeter around me to block out the bad monsters with ak-47’s. Nor am I looking for the magic pill solution, I don’t regard group therapy that highly that I would have a belief that it will cure me of all problems.

I do, however, expect to make some significant progress. What do I mean by significant progress? Well I feel that I moved a couple of steps forward with my current therapy. With all the wrapping up being done in these next few sessions with focus on different parts of the illness, I feel I am getting better, if I could use such a phrase lightly. It’s a process and I have to give it some time, I also realise that this is the same for the group therapy. I need to give it a chance to see where it takes me. However, I don’t want it to take a year to work, I don’t really feel I have that much time left. I don’t know if I have the patience and the desire to wait it out, as it were.

The other thing bothering me is how I may have to censor myself in what I say or the way I behave within a group. It’s like adjusting yourself to fit in within a certain dynamic. It’s ironic because although the group therapy will move me forward in terms of integrating, it’s also something I loathe. I don’t really want to “fit in” and yet I need to. I guess we all have to do things we don’t want to do to get somewhere.

It’s been about a week to two weeks since I wrote all of the above. I didn’t finish writing it because I sort of lost it for a while. My head has not been straight of late, and I can’t attribute that to anything in particular, but it hasn’t been right. Today I’ve stopped taking my medication, I’m going to see how things turn out with me not on meds, just to see if I can’t handle things without them. I’m curious to know whether I will suffer any withdrawal symptoms and how my behaviour will change. I’m trying this out for between a week and a fortnight. Depending on the effects, I may stop taking meds altogether.

I’ve just spent the best part of two hours downstairs with people I feel no connection to. They were talking in their own language, in their own way, about things I had no interest in. They made jokes about things I didn’t understand. I felt so detached from everything being said or suggested. They’re supposed to be family and relatives but I have no connection with them, they may as well be strangers as that’s how I perceive them.

There’s nothing on my part that wants me to be a part of their circle. I have no desire to be connected to my culture or my people. It’s a mass disconnection and something that I don’t think can be repaired. I talk as though it’s broken, but it never existed, or if it did, it doesn’t exist now. For all intents and purposes I may as well be the stranger. The only connection is that in relationship. That is my mother is my mother, my step father my step father, my uncles my uncles, and my half brother my half brother. They’re simply labels to a relationship which only exists because others see it as such. To me it’s just labels, with no wider connection. They are what they are, but it doesn’t mean there’s a bond, a trust, or any real relationship.

Going back to group therapy, I have my concerns as stated already, but I’ve also been feeling a tad paranoid of the whole possible experience, even though I haven’t even started it. I know I said I would give it a chance, and I will even if the skeptic in me wants otherwise. If group therapy is a failure, what exactly do I have to fall back on? Will I be able to switch to one to one therapy? If so how long will that last, or generally in either case how long will the therapy last for? I feel I’m being put out to dry in some senses without actually have a fallout plan ready in case the shit hits the fan.

The concept of group therapy doesn’t appeal, because I think it would take longer to progress and develop the skills to cope with mental illness, than it would if there was more intensive one on one sessions. It’s like school these days, where larger class sizes means that those that need the help to learn more so than others are not given that dedication so they can’t develop the learning skills to learn. Smaller class sizes more time devoted per pupil. Similarly I see therapy turning out that way.

END