negative addiction ·
31 May 07

Another morning, and another day where I feel physically sick. It’s been better than the previous few days, but the nausea is still there.

I feel I’m going through the withdrawal symptoms now of not having taken my medication for the best part of a week. I can’t shake this nausea either, and I’ve become more irritable. Everything around me is causing me to tick, to feel aggressive, and to feel alienated. I’ve become more paranoid about the space occupied around me, the voice has been much more prominent and controlling.

I think part of the sickness stems from my exhaustion of dealing with the voice these past few days. It’s been a barrage of belittling, encouragement to harm others and myself, verbal abuse, visual images of sadistic homicidal actions and more. For only 50p you too can enjoy this fun ride.

To be honest I’ve forgotten why I even stopped taking my medication. With some thought, it’s some attempt to grab a slice of normality, to prove to myself that I can function without the medication, that I can cleanse my body of the changes the medication has made and function properly.

Unfortunately for me the withdrawal from the medication has simply made the experience that much more unbearable. It’s a migraine of a problem, and I have one coming right now. Even drinking water is having a negative effect on my body, I feel sick and contaminated.

With my appointment next week, I’m not sure I have the guts, or perhaps the confidence, to actually go outside. I don’t know if I will be able to walk amongst strangers and not feel threatened by the presence of others.

The whole experience is quite daunting. But then I’m wondering what does it mean if I can do it, and without medication. Sure, the experience will be exhausting, I will feel completely spent, but the result will be that I will be able to go outside without being medicated, although under the influence of voice hearing.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been falling deeper into my depression the past few days. Today has been a particularly low day, as I want to drown myself underwater. I’ve got headaches, nausea (yet again) and I feel seriously low. Self-harming low, but I’m fighting the urge to do so. I’m doing my best not to harm those around me too, but it’s difficult. I feel at any moment I may pick up and object and use it, violently fighting the urge to do so. I feel alienated and lost.

Perhaps it’s time I went back to my medication. It’s only been a week though. My concern is that I am unable to function competently without my medication. My other concern is that my body has become addicted or dependent upon the medication, and without it I will fall back to the first problem. It feels like a horrible catch 22.

I wish I never had started on the medication or therapy. It’s all been bad for me, my progress has been a trick. None of my productive work in dealing with my illness has been real. I don’t believe that my therapy has helped me. Perhaps I’m just bitter, or fucked up because of not having taken my medication.

Why the hell am I being so adversely affected by medication that was supposed to help me. Is this how my life is to be from now on? The inability to function without medication, the inability to communicate or interact without medication. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

My head is all over the fucking place right now and I can’t seem to function correctly. I can’t make sense of anything and the voice is getting louder, and louder, and louder. It’s not deafening, but I fear it may become that way.

END