no more snow ·
4 April 07

I don’t feel fine, I don’t feel good, and I am out of cocaine. Rather than using it every now and then, I ended up doing several lines at once. I wanted the gear to last for a while, maybe a week, but there’s just never enough cocaine to satisfy.

Perhaps I’m paying for that indulgence now. I’m not a coke addict, I hadn’t touched the stuff for months, and even when I was off coke, I had not gotten much better than I was. I was still having days like the one I’m having today.

It’s partly because that I have run out of coke that I feel poorly. Things don’t seem to be going right in the smallest way. What I mean by that is anything I do feels like a failure, like a waste of time, not taking me a step forward, but taking me several steps back.

Everything is hurting my brain – from typing on this keyboard to listening to music I would otherwise enjoy normally, to the itch on my neck and the silence when I stop typing. It’s driving me mad, and I’m also pissed off that I haven’t got any more coke.

Thing is I’ve been having more bad days than previously, and that with the lack of cocaine which I used as a solution to having the bad day simply resulted in me delaying the almost inevitable.

The constant nagging of the voice hurts my poor brain, with regards to the repetition in the voice commands and the visual imagery that resides in my head. I’m resisting the urge to do something bad. By bad, I can’t really specify because if I did, my psych would perhaps consult another psych who would then call me in or let me know that more people will get involved with the problem. Are my family in danger? I’m not even going to answer that. I like my freedom.

I have to be more cautious about what I write, and what I say to those that know me. I still think there is a trust issue between myself and psych, even after some time having passed. I thought I Would be over it by now, but it doesn’t seem the case.

My trust in people is the only thing that connects me, or makes feel connected to an individual. When that trust is broken, it’s also breaking the belief I may have in that individual. It’s not that I can’t forgive, I can forgive, but I just can’t trust that person any more. Honestly speaking, I think my trust in doctors is at rock bottom right now. As long as I don’t express any danger towards individuals, or close family members then they cannot involve other people in my treatment or my life. Refraining from mentioning such things is the only thing that will allow me my much loved freedom.

I could express my true feelings to a friend or two, but should they break that trust I would feel the same as I do towards the doctors involved. Even if a new doctor was introduced I’m also positive that I will express some disdain and caution about that individual.

As each day passes I find myself feeling more isolated and lonely. I no longer have a circle of friends or acquaintances that I could hang out with. Everyone has gone their own way and I feel like I’ve gone in a different direction that doesn’t feel the right way. I’ve become ill, or have been and am still coming to terms with that reality. I think I accept my illness, though I’m not happy about it. I can’t exactly hang out with some fellow individuals suffering from psychosis and have a merry old time. It doesn’t work like that.

Either everything feels like a challenge, or it doesn’t feel like a challenge. They are two extremes of the same coin that leaves me feeling trapped. I’m in a lot crap, knee deep in it and I can’t find my way out. I’m starting to think that the therapy is failing, and that the voice is right. I know the voice would say anything to keep me from getting better, to gain more control, but the voice is me, and I am the voice right? So perhaps it’s a belief that I share and can believe in.

Thinking out loud, I’m just wondering if there is evidence that I am getting better, but some tangible evidence, something I could look at, something I can feel and be confident that I am getting better. I feel I’m going in circles in all honesty, and it’s not a circle I can break easily.

END