not what i wanted ·
2 October 09

I’ve been told by social services via my therapist that I need to leave the family home because they believe that I may be a danger to my 13 year old half brother.

A a month or two ago I was play fighting with half-brother, and in a moment I kinda heard the voice telling me to hit him hard, so I did. It told me to do it again, but I stopped. I punched him in the arm, and it kinda shocked us both because it was with more venom than just play fight punching.

So I told my therapist and he informed social services, and they’ve come to the conclusion that I have to move out of the family home. It’s not a decision (I think) that I can dispute so I have to now prepare to leave, but they haven’t given me a time-frame as to when but I think they’re pushing for as soon as possible.

This isn’t the first time I’ve harmed him or attempted to. The first incident was several years ago when he was sleeping. I went to his room to check on him, and he was sleeping. The voice commanded me to take a pillow, and smother him with it. I did so, for a a few moments, until I snapped out of the “control” the voice had over me and was shocked at what I was doing, and what I could have done.

I contacted my therapist (my first one) and was told that social services would have to be involved. A social worker came around and interviewed the family individually and then went to see my half-brother. He didn’t know what was going on, for some reason he thought they were here to take him away. He was in tears, but confirmed that I didn’t harm him in any way, and that I looked after him.

I had to stay in contact with my therapist on a daily basis, and social services also wanted to keep things open. That incident passed and things were back to normal for a while. A little later on, maybe a few months, I then hit my half-brother in the face with a cord from the wii nunchuck, he was in tears but I didn’t leave a mark or anything. I apologised profusely, but I wasn’t in control of my actions, the voice was to blame, and I couldn’t resist.

Those were all the incidents related to him, I have been involved with other people and have also randomly attacked people in the streets, but not for about 10 years now. I don’t deem myself a danger, and I felt that from the first incident with my half-brother that after a few years of non-action and then this sudden, very unusual loss of control was a “one off”.

My therapist disagreed and called in social services. My half-brother was shocked at the time, I was too, but it’s not even a memory for him. When I told him that social services were gonna take me away he asked why, and I told him, and he didn’t seem to understand why or remember the event.

I guess that’s 3 strikes, over a 10 year period. But they say it’s just not safe for anyone in my family to be around me. I still have auditory (voice hearing) and visual hallucinations, paranoid thoughts and suggestions of those wanting to kill me and me wanting to kill them. But I’ve dealt with this on a daily basis and very rarely acted on it. The medication has helped a lot as has the therapy. I used to be completely unstable, reckless and a danger to everyone really. But that was the past, and this is now. I no longer feel like I’m the bad guy here. I can understand that social services is trying to protect my half-brother, but I think they’re just blowing this whole incident out of proportion.

I used to live on my own for a few years in my early-mid twenties, but I lost two jobs because of my schizophrenia where I was considered a danger, or I couldn’t get out of the house because I thought people were out there waiting to kill me so didn’t go into work. I then had to move back in with my parents because I couldn’t afford to live on my own. Since then I@ve been in therapy and managed to finish a College course to get me to University. My step dad is a tool, and visits once a week to “pretend” to be dad. He gives his kid some money, but it’s my mother and I that look after the kid because he won’t do fuck all about it. He won’t take him with him, he wants my mother to do that. But she’s been sick these past couple of years, and so my input has had to increase. I’m more of a father than his own father, which is quite embarrassing at times. I try not to be overwhelmed by the task, but sometimes I am and the voice hearing makes it even more difficult. There’s little in the way of support.

I’ve only just started University and now I’m being asked to move out, and stay away not for weeks, but for months, maybe years. It was dropped on me because I felt suicidal and low, I was having a bad day. I couldn’t function or talk properly, I was in tears. I was having a breakdown. Then after I was a little better, he told me the bad news. That pissed me off, but I didn’t react.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. It’s a logistical nightmare for me, because that means informing the uni, banks and other folks of my address change, and to move all my stuff in my room to a new premises which they can’t guarantee will have enough room. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t go to Manchester University cuz I felt that it was too much to do, now I am having to do the same, but during my studies. It’s going to disrupt a lot of things. I have to worry about who’s going to look after my mother and my half-brother. With the latter I have been getting on better with, though he is closer to me than I am to him. And my mother, we’ve resolved most differences between us, but there’s still a lot of work to do I guess. I couldn’t give a shit about my step father, the guy is a waste.

Any second opinions? Do I deserve what I’m getting? Is ti all over blown? I guess I should be grateful they’re not putting me back in a hospital, but then they are forcing me to leave and it’s going to upset both my mother and my half-brother, who will probably miss me the most. If I want a better place to live than what they’re offering (which is a house with other schizophrenics and with similar disorders) then I have to pay for it, which I can’t afford. so I’ll be in even more debt thanks to these fuckers.

I know, I made my own mess. Why did I tell them anything? Well because I felt it was important to be honest about what’s happening in my life, and that way they can treat me correctly whether it be medication, therapy or something else. I didn’t realise they would go this far for what felt like a momentary lapse. I’ve raised the issues and have always been open with them, but I feel that I’m better off not saying anything to them at all. I don’t think I can trust anyone ever again.