one more time, i swear ·
11 October 10

I’m not, or rather never was, a gambler. I have, however, developed an “interest” in playing the lottery draws I spent about £45 today, and then I played £20 of instant wins. So far I have won nothing £65 down the shitter.

I don’t know how to gamble properly. I need to learn to gamble properly so I don’t lose money and feel bad about it. The website I play at has a limit of £75 on instant win games, and about £300 on lottery tickets. These limits are something I feel I might achieve because I’m not sure when is enough. Or I know when it’s bad, but I still keep playing. I lost 10 games in a row and kept telling myself “one more time”.

I felt ill when I lost. Like really sick, ill, nausea, headache, felt like vomiting. These symptoms make me think that I would never be a good gambler. I would just barf if I tried. Can you imagine me going to a Casino and trying to win money? I’d be thrown out for excess vomiting.

Excess vomiting and for being a crap player. I can’t play poker unless it’s online, but not for money. I would kick my friend’s ass on some poker money winning game thingy that we downloaded. It was from a popular site, and you could play for fun or for money. We didn’t play for money, but we still had fun. That was about 3 or 4 years ago now I think. Or it might have been more recent. I tend to forget things like this.

Just like I forgot the address of the Sesame Street Martin Scorsese spoof thing. It was like Sesame Street crossed with Goodfellas. I didn’t forget the address, I lied. Ok I didn’t lie. I did try to google for it and got a website that had the cast of Sesame Street with Goodfellas voice overs. Itt wasn’t as awesome as I remember it. If I recall correctly, the whole thing was real and it happened, and wasn’t some dodgy voice over shit. But it was and it didn’t impress me any more, or make me laugh.

Just like South Park. I mean wtf is that shit now. It was awful to begin with, got better in the middle, and peaked a bit after the middle, but the last and current season have been absolute shit. Some interesting and funny ones, but I guess you can’t really enjoy South Park on your own. I wish it was funnier and written well. When they want to they can make you laugh. Like Imagination Land, which I enjoyed. 90% of is pretty shitty then, so you just keep watching it it until it hits a funny one. So far it hasn’t. The “Vagisil” episode was disappointing, but I’ll live.

It’s at least distracted me from gambling or playing my money away. I feel better now. I don’t have a therapist or care co-ordinator now, they have yet to assign me one. They’re not very good at their job, and they are meant to be the best Borough that deals with mentally ill patients. I wish they were better at their jobs, so I could find it easier to cope with day to day activities. Right now I’m finding it a struggle, I missed a few Uni classes so now I’m behind on work. If I want to carry on I’m gonna have to try harder.

But gambling isn’t a big issue now.