positively sick ·
19 June 07

I arrived at my next session modestly positive, and relieved that I was outside, and not cooped up inside my room, going stir crazy as the hours pass. Unfortunately I left physically sick and mentally drained. I don’t know what the culprit was in making me feel this way, but it certainly dampened my exit from the session.

Today I think was a fairly positive experience, in that there had been some minor changes in my attitude, behaviour and understanding of my condition. Things like ending sessions, which at several points filled me with dread, and a feeling of, “fucking hell, what do I do now? I’m on my own!”, had now changed into acceptance. Without the dread or negativity that came along with the ending conversations previously, I was now more confident within myself about the situation.

Sadly I have forgotten what I was supposed to do when I got home. I believe it was something like, “write yourself a letter”, for what purpose I no longer recall. I didn’t leave the session on a positive note, and was preoccupied with my thoughts of why I felt sick, and why it was happening during the session. I felt sick before, in my room, that was probably to do with the monotony. It took two paracetamol tablets and four hours of bed rest where I simply closed my eyes, rather than slept, to recover.

I feel better now, but I am still unable to remember what I was supposed to do. It had something to do with going outside, or finding motivation to go outside. I feel paranoid about being around people that I don’t know. When they look, I turn away, when they laugh, I go mental because I wonder if they’re laughing at me, may be they’re trying to read my mind. But, one of the objectives of the session was to find ways to go outside, in a controlled and safe manner.

I’ve thought about this a little, and have contemplated that I could go out for a walk, every day for a while and see how that helps with the insanity. I could go out to pick up my half-brother from school. But I find that having to get changed and ready to go out, removes the motivation of going out. I feel this is an obstacle that I need to over come and deal with.

With regards to studying, I am keen to get on with it, but finding it difficult to pick up and start. There’s nothing to it really, but I feel no desire to start reading even though I feel it’s important to do, to improve the chances of me being able to finally gain independence of some sort. It was suggested that I do it in bite sized chunks. I will have to think about it, and push myself to do it. At least I’ll try and hope it’s enough to get me started.

That sickly feeling is returning, and there’s a weird taste in my mouth. I’m starting to feel ill again, so I’m just going to take it easy for a few days and then try for some positive and proactive action. For now I will hold fire until I feel better.