resume course ·
2 July 08

Another day without my medication for depression. Yet again I am feeling overpowered by the commands from the voice, and yet another day where I feel I can’t pull myself out of my personal abyss of depression. It’s a cold, dark and lifeless place in which any form of light has trouble in seeping through. It’s a darkness that I don’t think I will ever get out of without taking my medication.

Even then, if I was to resume my medicine usage, I will still be aware of that darkness and emptiness that lives within me, and which cannot be tamed or seen in a light that has hope. It’s a lonely place, but I can’t really take any one with me there. If someone says “I understand” or “I know where you’re coming from” they’re only telling you the partial truth as far as I am concerned. The other half of the truth is they don’t. It’s a contradiction I know, but it’s one that is valid.

It’s like telling a rape victim that “I can understand that you’re scared” or something superficial like that. The victim is scared shitless, their life momentarily destroyed, you want to do all the right things by that person so that things don’t get any worse. It can’t get any worse than having been a victim of that crime. Still, even though a rape victim communicates with another rape victim, they can only partially empathise with the victim.

I don’t know why I used that as an example. But it was the first thing that came into my mind that reminded me that people should not offer their sympathy if they don’t understand. To understand is really important, but that understanding for that individual is unique to the person that is directly affected. When a girl asks you to rape them, what do you do? Say OK and carry out the act? Do you play along with the fantasy? How brutal should you be if you do rape them, and how often do they need to say stop before you stop at your own leisure? I’ve been out with girls like that, and I’ve always asked them if they want to be beaten till they’re blue in the face, helpless and in agony, with a knife cutting in softly on their neck before you fuck them again and again against their will. Their reply there after is a resounding “No”.

People can also try “I can imagine how this feels” or “I can’t imagine how this feels”. In the first instance it’s bullshit, in the second instance is stating the fucking obvious. Both are useless terms and hold no weight in helping someone to feel better than they are actually doing. Everyone’s experience is unique and real; but there can be similarities. I don’t deny that events can be traumatic and reflecting for those involved, but as a stranger you’re fucked if you do and fucked if you don’t. Fucked about what? Fucked about with having to figure out how to react to a given situation.

I don’t want to fucking share my life story with strangers that I will never meet again, never want to meet again, or ever want to meet in the first place. I know I need to learn to interact with people once more, to be able to communicate effectively. However, I don’t want to waste my time being around people that think they know how I feel. I don’t know how they feel, and I wouldn’t want to presume. Perhaps they’re all hippies who have camping nights out and sing songs and hymns round a camp fire. I do not fucking care who these people are or what they have to say.

So yes, you could say I’m selfish and I should think about other people. But why should I? What the fuck have they done to help me? Why should I give them my trust without question? Why give a bunch of nobodies a chance to help me? Who the hell says they can help me./ The whole thing is facilitated by nut jobs in the first place. What can one schizoid tell another schizoid that will be of any use? May be they can rewrite jokes, “A schizoid walks into a bar”. Perhaps that’s useful? Is that wrong? Am I being mean? Do I give a fuck?

I have noticed several changes in my behaviour since stopping the usage of my anti depressants. I’m certainly more vocal than normal in the house. I have become more touchy, and the slightest thing that irks me gets blasted, and if a person gets blasted with a fury of expletives. My sleep anxiety has returned. Well, my insomnia has, I’m not sure if that is a sleep anxiety. I wake up late in the afternoon, and sleep late in the morning. The sleep is erratic, and the rest not very restful.

It doesn’t help that it’s hot and sticky at the moment due to the weather. When hot, my room is an oven, when cold my room is a freezer, so I can’t win either way. I have a ceiling fan which keeps me cool as much as it can, but from closing my windows to stop flies and moths getting inside, this results in the fan only circulating hot air around the room. I don’t want moths coming into my room, or mosquitoes and the like, so the windows has to remain closed. I don’t mind so much in the morning though.

So the weather isn’t helping in my mood swings. One minute I could be playing with my half brother, and then next I will be fuming about the something superficial in the room, or the voice kicks in and takes advantage of the situation knowing I can be quite horrible when I’m feeling hot. My blood boils rapidly, faster than any electrical kettle you can buy in shops. Though that may not be entirely true. In any case, I’m feeling similarly right now.

I feel sick, nauseous, dizzy, a headache is growing, and my body feels like it’s just collapsing and doesn’t have any energy. I’m not quite sure what to attribute that to. Right now I don’t even feel like going to my weekly/fortnightly appointments, to “see how you’re doing”. Right now it feels like the last thing I want to do, and I wonder if I have gained any thing from attending the appointments so far. I haven’t learnt anything further on how to cope with my illness, I haven’t learnt any new methods to manage my behaviour. I’ve learnt to listen to myself when talking, and that’s about it. I need something more intense something that will challenge me as an individual and will also help me manage this shit better. I’ve forgotten most of what I’d learnt when I was in therapy. I’m not getting out of the sessions what I need, but what I need, I do not know any way.