rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat ·
17 June 07

The last few days I’ve been eager to kill the mundane hours that pass by. I haven’t been out, nor have I had reason to. I guess it would be healthy for me to leave these four walls that I continually keep myself self-caged within. The result is repetition and spiralling depression.

Take for example the news. There are about five or six news items a day, these are shown 24 hours in a day, for 24 hours or so, until the next day where another five or six items are brought up as news. The problem is that I wake up at 8am or thereabouts, and watch the news from morning till night, and I watched the same news items over, and over, and over again, and again, and again.

It becomes a repetitive and soul crushing experience, where breaking the wheel of monotony becomes a survival game. Just when are you going to break? When are you going to give in to expressing your circling boredom with lashes of violence? When are you going to devour your arms out of frustration? When will you stop feeling like you’re being killed repeatedly in an endless hell of the same damn news stories 24 hours a day? It goes on and on, and it becomes difficult to cope with.

One of the things I tried to do was to browse the Internet. This worked for about 10 minutes a day, as I kept refreshing sites which didn’t have a regular minute up dates. It’s hard to find a website where the content is updated daily on the hour, or every minute. But I tried and tried to use the Internet, this vast abyss of information to kill the monotony, and lo and behold, I felt like smashing my skull in to a wall 10 minutes after browsing all thes ites that I want to browse. There just isn’t that much that interests me on the web.

I no longer do websites, or work of any kind on the computer any more. I used to keep myself occupied by dabbling in graphics programs, or web editors and the like. For some time, we’re probably talking several months, I have not been doing this and learning nothing in the process. I’ve even forgotten the basics of what I know, so I would probably need to relearn what I had learned already. I use to have the motivation to learn, but it’s just not sitting well with me right now.

A new website of sorts was presented to me, which belonged to someone. I kept visiting the site, because I was desperate for something new. It was updated sporadically and had little in the way of content. Yet I still visited it, and it was another site that I was trying to kill the boredom with. But with no regular new content I was repeatedly banging my head against the wall, yelling out for something fresh, something new and I wasn’t finding it.

Eventually it got to the point where I was checking the handful of sites I was visiting on such a regular basis as was unhealthy to do so. I simply failed to control myself, and found myself refreshing the sites continually, becoming depressed and sad when it was the same content I had already read. It was like having your nails torn off your fingers, then having them soothed with corrosive acid, and then electrically sanded down to give it that just mutilated finish. Perfect.

To combat this, I have taken my medication early in the morning, and in some instances doubled my medication in take. In the first instance, I mean that I take the meds at night, but when I wake up I take them again, instead of waiting 24 hours, I wait 12 hours between doses. If the morning session gets me sleepy, then fortunately I’ll sleep the whole day through.

When increasing my medication in take, I have done this a few times, to help me sleep longer. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to have worked yet. I haven’t at any point taken a double dose, twice in one day. I expect it would have some unwelcome side effects. I remember though one nurse telling me that if I was to take several olanzapine in a night, it wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not sure if that was sound medical advice.

I thank fuck that I can write sometimes, because it’s a big relief in being able to express my state which taps into areas where I’m not comfortable in dealing with in the real world.

For now I’m tired and exhausted, I have no doubt I will wake up early in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep. Then I’ll have to try and write again to save myself from pain.