SA - Subways Anonymous ·
21 July 05

Damn you! Damn you! It’s 8.04am and I’m still in my boxer shorts. I should be getting ready, but I’ve found a new addicition. Gone are the craving for cigarettes, for cocaine, for weed, for booze. I have much more evil addiction. And no, it’s not “Underwear for Grandma – Places to put your shopping!”. It’s worse than that. I am addicted to…fast food.

Yes, I am addicted. Instead of having childish man thoughts about big inflatable boobies and asses that are large enough to fill the Millennium Dome, I am instead dreaming…no craving, wanting, needing a fucking SUBWAY!

I think of that soft, warm bread – when you’re offered a foot long or a half loaf. The choice of breads, there are five varietiesI think: wheatgerm, herb and cheese, and that’s all I know. My friend buys the former because he’s paranoid about his weight, I go for the former because I think to myself “I want to ENJOY my food – not stress over it”.

Then comes the bit that is the entertainment. First they ask, “Would you like hard cheese?” And you say “Yes”, and then they ask both sides, “Yes, please”. It’s only at that point, once the cheese is in place they add your filling: mine is always chicken related, with it being either chicken teriyaki or chicken fajita. I’ll be hoenst I get two stereotype images. Teriyaki I think is Turkish but I envision a Japanese man coming at me with a knife shouting “Teriyaki yarghhh!!!”. With chicken fajita I imagine Mexicans dancing around me singing “Faji-ta, Faji-ta, you’ve never really had a Faji-ta…”

Next follows the salad, and they offer: lettuce, gherkins, onions, tomato, cucumber, sweetcorn, jalepenos, olives and probably more. I always say “No Cucumber, no tomato, no olives”. I really want to say, “No sweetcorn – why do people eat sweetcorn? We can’t bloody digest it! Look at your poop!” But I become sleepy after saying no olives.

Finally they ask for the sauce – I always say spicy or hot. Now the people serving are not English – not one of them. They’re all economic migrants I guess. But I can’t understand what they’re saying when it comes to sauce because they can’t just point and you know what it is. They’ll say,

“Saffkslkslsk”
“Er…sure”
“Would you also like some kpomekkmf”
“Um..yeah”

And that’s how it goes. The nthey wrap up your sandwich, your mouth waters, your stomach aches for the food and you sit down on the tables. Ok I meant you sit at the tables, but if they let me sit on the tables I would. I always end up with the seat where the sun burns the fuck out of me.

I wonder if I’ll start dreaming about spanking girls with my sweet onion chicken teriyaki

Just getting to shop is fucking horrible because you can smell it from the outside and it’s just drawing you in, making you want more. It’s saying, “EAT ME!” and you just can’t refuse. I mean if a girl who hasn’t washed for six days says “eat me” you’d throw up, and then eat your own vomit. If a subway sandwich smelt as good as it did after six days and it said eat me….NO! THAT’s AN EVIL THOUGHT!! GARRGGHHH!!

When I first got a subway, it was daunting. The one I had in Canada sucked cuz they gave me Olives. I hate Canada. It’s shit. I didn’t enjoy myself there. But when I went into the one at Kings Cross, it was like…a fucking interview. You first had to get used to their accent, and you’re not sure which interviewer will speak first. Then you have to convince them of your answer, or you can suck up. At interviews I kick arse, but when ordering a subway, I am a coward. “Double hard cheese?”, “Yes please” I squeak. I may only want single hard cheese, but will I say it? No, because by the time I will say no they’re already putting the damn thing in. But still…it tastes so fucking good!

I visited their website and I found this, which made me cry. It’s the sort of things McDonalds would like to try but wouldn’t really get away with because for every skinny prick they showed, 3 million fat pricks would turn up. At Subway I have noticed that larger people don’t visit it. That’s strange, because at McDonalds I see large people asking for their 12 Double Cheese Burgers and an ornage juice. They do that Diet Coke thing too, and I have no fucking idea if they actually believe that the lack of calories in their Coke will make any real fucking difference.

Still, I am no better, and I am fast food junkie. I wonder if I’ll start dreaming about spanking girls with my sweet onion chicken teriyaki, or if they’ll drool after my foot long Chicken Fajita with salad.

My name’s Sek and I’m Subwayholic and have been for a few months. I need help. Hmmm….Subways…