say no to drugs ·
24 June 08

I can’t remember how many days it’s been since I took my anti-depressants, but it feels like it’s been a while. I’ve been feeling lost, drifting, and empty. I’m suffering from nausea, dizziness and lethargy. My energy levels have recently felt very low, I feel no motive to move around, as when I do so I feel like I’m about to throw up.

I cancelled my appointment with my care coordinator today. I woke up late at 1315, and my appointment was at 1330, and it would take me around 35-45 minutes to actually get to the building. I decided to call in and let my care coordinator know about my decision. I haven’t attended an appointment in two weeks previously, so I think this will be week three. As I said in my previous entry, I am finding it difficult to communicate full stop with anyone.

Whether it’s to write to someone, call someone, or to meet someone in person – all of these instances and possibilities make me feel anxious and nervous about happening. I don’t know why it is. Well I know partly what it is: the voice. Due to the high anxiety I am under at the moment from University related stuff, the voice has latched on to the fear and anxiety, and is able to drop my confidence and motivation, even if it’s for a better cause and direction.

I’m not quite sure I have the coping strategies to deal with with the voice at the moment, I feel I still need professional help in getting myself to not depend on others for my well being. Since my sessions with my previous psychologist ended, I feel it’s left a bit of a void which needs filling with another professional to drag me out of the bottomless pit of self-pity and pseudo-victimisation of myself. Without it I fear that I won’t be able to cope with things, and my chances of University will be at an all time low until I can get these problems dealt with.

At this moment, the nausea is increasing, I’m developing another headache, which I have had for the past week and more, and I feel that I’m losing my grip. As I type this, I keep seeing things, figures, people shifting out the corner of my eye. If not people, then I keep seeing cockroaches climbing around the walls. Cockroaches the size of an adult hand that just creep me out. I don’t mind insects and such, but these ones appear and disappear as soon as I set both eyes on the place they were supposed to be. I also hear my name being called often, but this isn’t really happening, and I’m getting worked up about nothing. I think I’m not. At least I hope I’m not. I’m not sure any more.

A couple of hours a go. my anti-depressants had been delivered. It’s still in its original box, in a brown paper bag with the pharmacy logo printed on it. I still haven’t taken my medication. As risky as it might be, that may be I fall in to a deep depression that I cannot cope with, I am still not going to take it. I want to see how big a difference being me is without the anti-depressants. I feel the medication I take often curbs my imagination, and dumbs me down so I can’t be creative any more. I want to see if that part of me can be brought back from the dead, and whether now is a possibly good time to stop taking my medication so suddenly.

By doing this may be I will realise that I can cope with the depression without medication. Then on the other hand I think the whole point of the medication is to solve the chemical imbalance in my head, as is the case with the anti psychotics. I’m not certain if the anti-depressants work in the same manner, though I expect this is the case from the little I know about my medication.

Ugh, I feel really sick right now, moving around isn’t helping. May be I should take my medicine, if it stops me feeling this crappy. Then again, I need to see how I am without it too. I could do a gradual break, say take it once every two days, instead of daily, and then reduce that to one every three days and so on.