sleep envy ·
31 July 06

How I envy you and your ability to sleep. It’s diffcult for me to comprehend what good sleep is anymore, since I have a severe deprevation of sleep on too often a basis. I am so deprived of sleep that it’s made me mentally unstable, so much so that they’ve prescribed me even more medication.

I am now also on Chlorpormazine, another medication that deals with schizophrenia and other psychoses including paranoia. It can also be used for the treatment of prolonged hiccups and nausea. I guess the most important thing is that it works, if it works. But does it work? I can’t remember what I told them my condition was, all I remember was a lack of sleep coming into the equation quite often, too often even.

This is why I envy you, and your sleep, and how you end up sleeping without the aid of medication. I hate how you shut your eyelids, and breathe peacefully through those nostrils of yours, and then out from your mouth. I loathe your position of freedom in sleeping when sleep suits you, not when you’re suffering from deprevation and need sleep. that’s my bad luck.

What does this medication do? It has sleeping properties in it, which cause drowsiness. The most worrying thing I’ve read is that I need to avoid direct sunlight, or sun lamps. I’m assuming it desensitises my skin, making it more vulnerable to God knows what.

The sleep element in the medication only does enough to make me drowsy. I writhe in despair as I try to fall asleep. My eyes close shut, I begin to breathe like you do, my arms don’t, however, rest comfortably. Once in a position I feel warmed to, I begin my sleep exercise again, with my eyes shut, my breathing, and yet I can’t get to sleep. My body stirs in hot and cold extremes, it’s awake, and yet trying to fall asleep – I am in limbo.

I am suffering enourmously, to tell the truth, and it’s driving me insane. I feel like I could kill someone, with my bare hands, my hands around someone’s throat, my thumbs digging into their throat, my forefingers squeezing down on the spine. I feel I could kill, but as always I don’t. I want to, I feel I can, but many excuses (and they are excuses) stop me from doing so.

Even now I’ve been awake since 7am, and it’s 7.52pm already meaning I haven’t slept for 12 hours. For a normal working day, that’s not a problem, except I didn’t sleep well last night. In addition to which I have to take my medication during the day as well, which essentially means I’m drowsy and somewhat sedated during the afternoon. It’s like being drunk in the middle of the afternoon where you drank enough to get you in the mood to sleep wherever you lay your head. It’s a horrible feeling, because I’m not drunk and fully aware that I can’t sleep wherever I lay my head.

So now I’ll try to sleep once more.