that dear you feeling ·
6 July 05

You say you hear voices in your head, but I’m not so sure these are seperate entities, in which case you may be saner than you thought you were.

It’s very possible that these voices you hear in your head are in fact one voice, which has been fragemented. I know you’re going to say, “Well same thing, isn’t it?”. It is and it isn’t, so hear me out just a little here.

Your fragemented voice, the voices in your head, are all one voice, and in someways a different entity, if you like, from who you are. They are still once voice, but they are your unconcious or concious voice I’m not sure which. You know the part of you that decides whether or not do things?

I think all that has happened is that it has fragemented, probably due to your own reluctance to accept that there are emotions beyond anger, hate and self loathing. I won’t get touchy feely with you, because I know you’ll just start to feel physically unwell if I do, so I will try to keep it as bullshit-free as possible.

This world of hate that you’ve created, particularly with your mother, I have to say stems from partial love. Admit it or not, but there is a part of you deep down that still cares for your mother, as much as you hate her. I can sense how you much you hate her, so much so that you feel absolutely nothing for her, not even hate. I think that’s quite sad, no matter what she has done to you, she has brought you into this world.

Do you remember? Do you remember how your heart felt as if it was going to travel up your throat in a spillage of vomit?

Yes, you are a fucked up freak, but you’re her fucked up freak, and no matter how low you go, your mother is perhaps the only parent you know in any way, and is the only one that will stick by you even if everyone else goes away.

I know you’ve tried to be civil with her. I know it frustrates you that there is a language barrier, that you cannot explain things to her in her own language, and that fact that you treat English as your native language doesn’t help matters either. You’re getting there though, and you have shown glimmers of hope that you might be a bit more civil to your own mother.

Hell, you’ve sort of accepted, I know you will hate me saying this, your half-brother. You say you hate him, but if you did, why would you bother sending him to bed by 9PM? Why would you be frustrated that his behaviour, diet and English is poor? You may not admit it, but again, at some subconcious level you do care even if you don’t openly admit or show it.

You know it’s sad shame that you don’t really show how you feel about people. You can’t keep blaming this on the way you’ve grown up. I know, I understand it was a significant part of you that was created from all that neglect, hatred and the constant beatings. But you’re an adult now, you know? You have to start accepting respsonsibility, because that’s what adults do. They accept their role and carry that role out.

You’re no longer a child, it’s not like you don’t understand what has happened, or what happened in the past. You care for people, and you only show it by acting out in certain way. You won’t tell anyone you care, and I don’t know why. Maybe you’re scared, or may be you’re just a typical, insecure guy.

[zz93]

The scary thing is, and it’s even scarier that you’re aware and yet you choose not do anything, is that if you don’t show you care, everyone you do care about will eventually leave you. They will do it anyway, but if you find someone you really care for, and she doesn’t know it, she’ll walk away. I can imagine you’ll ignore her for most of the time, unless she has a discussion to make as to what book is better.

You’re a bit sad like that, you’re quite a mechanical beast, with a penchant for the logic. No interest in emotive, emotional response or discussion. You close up like a clam shell. You think yourself the core of honesty, but just how honest can you be without letting into your emotions and feelings? I wonder sometimes.

You can go on pretending that this is who you are – well perhaps pretend is not the right word, sorry about that. But don’t become something you don’t want to be. One thing you can say you control is your life – I know, don’t shout at me, I understand it’s not always so simple. What worries me still is that even if you were to escape from all this, the only thing close to your mind is isolation, away from people, away from the voices.

If it’s the voice inside of your head that worries you, then that’s a different story. I have heard what he has to say, I know how your body quakes in fear as the voice pierces your very skull – as though someone is shouting down your ear with a very large megaphone. It’s frighteing, I understand this too but you have to get a hold of it.

Think of it this, way, when you were asked how you lived this long even after you weren’t given the therapy you were supposed to receive, for four whole years you survived. That wasn’t an easy task, you went through a lot of bad times, and although you’re quite ill still in some respects you are alive. Things are changing and you are changing with them. I don’t know if you can grow up anymore than you have done, skipping childhood and going straight on to growing up wasn’t easy.

You know it’s sad shame that you don’t really show how you feel about people. You can’t keep blaming this on the way you’ve grown up

Now remember her voice on the phone? She was surprised when she saw it was four years ago, and she asked how you were still managing – what did you tell her? Do you remember? Do you remember how your heart felt as if it was going to travel up your throat in a spillage of vomit? How the fear, the anxiety and the realisation that it had been four, nearly fives years since that day? It was an intense moment, but you got through it.

Look, I know it’s happening again in some respects – something good happens then you become desolate and fearful that it will fuck up. But what if we try something positive this time? What if we try to say this will work this time? Let’s just try it – you don’t have to do it every day, but just try it.

You also need to accept that there are more than three negative emotions in humanity and avoid the cynical, pessimistic nature that you seem so comfortable. It’s difficult to be nice to people, when the voice in your head is saying “kill” but you have to try to not listen to it, even when he says “kill”, you just ignore it. Ignore it for long enough, and it could work out. I promise nothing though.

That’s my lecture over, but we’ve only scratched the surface, and I think you know this as much as I do. Where do we go from here? That’s your choice – your freedom is actually greater than you accept and see. Look closer, and you’ll see you have much more freedom and are a lot luckier than you give yourself credit for. It will work out, not all of it, but some of it, perhaps all of it slowly. Just give it a chance you arsehole.