the carrot did it ·
4 December 07

I’ve been without medication for seven days now. How do I feel? I feel fucked up, pent up and drained. My brain is hurting, and I don’t know how to stop the hurting, this week has been one of the worst that I’ve had to deal with. In between not having my medication and suffering from withdrawal symptoms, I’ve had to deal with some serious lack of sleep. At every turn I’ve tried to make the effort in exercising my right to sleep, and I’ve failed.

Three days without sleep has left me, dead and zombified. I don’t know if the two can go together. I guess they can, because you have to be dead to be a zombie. Or undead, I’m not sure if anything I’m saying at the moment makes any sense or is coherent. I don’t think it matters when you haven’t slept because you just don’t give a flying fuck. I want to give a fuck, but right now I’m in a state of ignorance and whims.

Today I can sort of decide what happens to me within reason. I seem one of the shrinks today for a review of my medication. I haven’t had any for seven days, so I don’t know what that means, because I’m still here and I haven’t killed anyone yet, though the urge to do so has grown on a daily basis. I guess I’ve subconsciously been look for a target and haven’t decided on one. Though if it was truly subconscious, I wouldn’t be discussing this fucking thing with myself now, would I?

At any rate, today I can cut myself off from the help that I need, and the medication that I need to get better. Why would I want to do it? For one, I haven’t been without medication for this long in a long, long time. I think it’s very difficult to appreciate how dependent you are on medication unless you’re removed from the equation. I don’t know how to feel about it in tersm of my duty towards myself in terms of care. Do I need the medication? I think I do, but I’ve lost a massive part of myself with being on the medication.

I feel fucking dead. I feel like I’ve had a lobotomy, like some part of my personality has been removed with great force, clumsiness and ineptness. No care has been taken, it’s just been ripped out, and the result of coming off the medication is that I can see that, but I can’t seem to revert back to a previous state whereby I can remember what the fuck it is I lost. So what the fucking hell am I to do? With medication I return to the vegetable state, I’m kidding of course, but at least I will be “Stable”, and without the medication I will always be on edge, but hey I can probably cook your babies in fried batter!

There was a time I was a sharp witted little bastard, I got underneath people’s skin in a bad way and motivated them to want harm me. Right now I couldn’t piss off a carrot, and believe me I’ve tried. BUt that orange bastard just stares right back at me and psyches me out. It’s a fucking miracle that I survive the taunts and abuse it hurls at me, for shame carrot, for shame.

So whaddado. Well, I think I’m going to look at my options. Perhaps they can prescribe me more medication to help me to stop taking the medication that I used to take, then take further medication to help me stop taking the medication I was taking to take me off the medication I was trying to get off in the first place, and continue the process until I’m a GIANT FUCKING JELLY BEAN SHAPED LIKE A LIBRARIAN WITH AIDS.

Calm down. It’s only a game, only it’s not now. It’s a world of shit, through shit covered glasses, and piss flavoured water. Or something. If piss tasted like water, does that make it piss, or does that make it water. Would you still drink it if it tasted like piss. How would you know if it was piss anyway, it’s not like you drink the stuff on a regular basis to top up your vitamins now do you? DO YOU?

I’m going to kill a donkey, and when I come back I’ll marry a chimp with three legs and a stained nappy full of the white stuff.