the porn ambition ·
7 September 04

As we sat in the pub, drinking our pints, and smoking our cigarettes, out of the blue, without provocation or suggestion the words, “let’s make a porn film” were uttered, and our minds began to envelope around the idea like a wrap that houses chicken pieces, and that bloody green leaf called rocket.

It hit a cord with me, the idea of making a film, amy film. I like narrative, I like films, I like reading, so the next logical step would be to make a film, or sorts. In my head, the thoughts of grandeur, of being a director have always lived within me. The off putting thing is the reality of it all. Same with writing a book. It’s unrealistic and not very interesting for others, to what end would they read?

Could I perhaps eloquently describe my time in the hard hitting years of kindergarten? Yeah, back in those days, I served 2 years for being an infant, and was incacerated to be in a nursey where I would learn to read, write, and paint by numbers. I was evil then too. I think I made a kid shit in the middle of the hall way, and then told the teacher what he did. I tried to drown another kid in the water. Nursery was tough, you had to do what you could to survive back then. If you weren’t looking out for number one, someone would steal your crayons, or your only paint brush; and don’t even talk about the aprons!

When we played with sand, we all knew, this was where we would be buried with the other corpses, lying underneath. The teachers were putting us together, in order to test our strengths, they were our bosses. Man, I recall those the psycho years. The nappy protected you, but once you were out of those, the world was cruel and would come after you. My advice, keep those goddamned nappies on, they will protect your life. Old people understand, since they wear them again, and they realise how cruel life is without them. In between, is where we suffer. If you can get away with it, wear it, or suffer the wrath of this intolerable world.

The ideas for the porn came in thick and fast, who would star in it? What would it be called? Jon already wanted a production name, but that was irrelevant for now. I think we all hit on the idea of asking a certain girl. The purpose was that she herself would be interested in fucking on camera, and with more than one guy perhaps. It would be a bit of fun, but it would also allow people, who were interested, to explore some of their sexual desires, with people who wanted to do the same.

I find people no longer want to take risks, to try things in a different way, to do things outside of the box, or to explore different forms of entertainment, aside from the mundane typical crap that everyone does everyday. You need to add something in your life in order for it to be distinct or different.

As my mind went wondering, Paul and Jon went in to conversation about something. My first idea was space I think, with aliens. Several men are in a space ship, they’ve been been there for years, so guess what, they aint had sex for a long time. One day a capsule arrives near his shuttle, so they decide to bring it in, and it turns out the capsule contains two aliens. This would be the horror/sci-fi porn. The two aliens would in fact be two ladies, who woudl go around fucking the guys, looking like women, but as the guy and gal climax, it turns into a hideous blob of sorts.

So if a guy was wanking to this, he’d probably have nightmares. Which is a good thing, because he should be doing something more fucking productive than having a wank in front of amateur porn. Couldn’t think of a name for this, so let’s think of a random one. How about, Visitors from Planet Sex? Is that cheesy or too forward? Pleasure Girls from Planet X? That’s a bit more vague and cheesy I think. We could make an enterprise type episode, where there’s a leader and whatever. It’ll be pretty funny I hope, if we were to do it.

Ok, so the next idea we had was the zombie flick idea. A man arrives on an island, and goes about his daily business helping the needy. We see people dying, and he’s giving them aid. They warn him to sleep well, but to be vigilant. He has no idea what they’re talking about. This is where I get a bit confused. Should the Zombies be men after women, or women after men. If it’s men after women, I think it would be easier. If it’s women after men, it’ll have to be one zombie at a time. So I’m thinking, the female should be the star, and she gets ravaged by zombies or something. I want a dog in there, but I don’t think they’ll allow it. I’m looking at the global audience, and pets have feelings too.

So if we had the guys as the victims, they would have to be zombies and get jiggy, which would be bad for the male victim. Not sure, perhaps we can do a thriller thing, where a couple go out, and the boyfriend turns into a zombie at night, and then we go through a lot of female victims. The last one has sex with him and blows his brains out after an investigation and lots of sex with people she meets on the way. Zombie Sex? To plain I guess. Sleeping with the Dead? Sounds to professional. Cheesy, we need CHEESE. Dead Horny? Yeah that will do for now, I can’t think any more along those lines, as I wanted to run with another idea.

I made a post on a forum. The hope is that the global scale of the forum, would mean advice and suggestions being varied and useful. In particular I mentioned that I wish to take this project to Amsterdam and asked for a price list for whores. Whether they’ll get me one is debatable, but at least they can provide apt advice on what to do, and what they would do for money. But that’s another side of the project that needs to be dealt with, and I’ll discuss that later perhaps.

So the idea that I fell upon was one that I discussed with Paul and Jon. The idea is based on a famous American film, a subtle tale of psychological horror. Say hello to, The Sex Sense. Ok trying to come up with a better name, but also trying a play on words. You know, like Buffy The Vampire Layer? or Buffy – The Count Goes Down? Yeah that sort of thing.

Anyway, the idea was that Paul would see dead people, they all just happen to be women, and they all haunt this house. Or perhaps he sees them everyday. Like he walks along, happens to see a specter, and follows it into a house. It turns out to be a woman, and he starts to have sex with her right? So he wakes up and the specter disappears, and he leaves the house and someone comes out asks what he was doing in there. He says he slept the night with a girl. The person says that house has been vacant for years since the woman got murdered. So he meets me, and tell me these stories. Maybe we can do this flashback. I’ll have a goatee beard, tweed jacket, a smoking pipe and a really bad Hungarian accent.

[zz93]

The idea we set on, I think was similar to The Sixth Sense, did I mention that? Yeah, The Sex Sense. We couldn’t come up with anything cheesier, with the psychiatrist (me) and then you have the doode seeing ghosts, which are chicks, he has to sleep with them to save them. I counsel him, because some have bits of themselves missing, something like a limb or organ or whatever. Sort of like a horror porn drama thing.

Yeah, back in those days, I served 2 years for being an infant, and was incacerated to be in a nursey where I would learn to read, write, and paint by numbers. I was evil then too.

If we did the haunted house thing, I guess we could call it Thirteenth Shag. Like there’s this massively complex house, which holds secrets. The house is haunted with dirty bitches who like to fuck a lot. They need a victim to free their souls or something, and Paul eventually sacrifices himself for a shag with a devil-like monster. Or something. I don’t know. I’m thinking out loud.

We could go for the simple approach. Someone goes to borrow some sugar from the new girl next door. He gets sugar, and he gives plenty back. Maybe he calls his horse in on the act. No wait, they said they didn’t want animals. Ok, so we could go with that. Or the guy who comes round to fix the computer. I think that would be pretty good, in order to entice geeks to watch porn too. While the guy talks about overclocking and shit, he can then start screwing the girl on a Microsoft Natural Keyboard. You see I look for the global audience. I’m generous like that. Also product endorsement, perhaps MS will sponsor us? Bill Gates says yes to Sekhu Porn Productions. Or not. Let me dream dammit!

When I posted the suggestion of porn on a forum, some of the replies were actually quite good, so we’ll call this, The Viewers Corner :) :

“Well i think u should go for the classic story : appliance breaks down, a well hung man who conveniantly has a moustache and toolbag, then when the female opens the door she is in her panties for some bizarre reason(well she knew he was coming!) this is followed by 2 minutes of bad dialogue then theu r fruckin on the fridge! Sorted “ – Mr X

“get the title right and work from there
Fill Jill
Charlies Anals
Moulin Splooge
H.R: Muff n Stuff
Beverly Hills 9021-Ho
Sperms Of Endearment
Edward Penishands
21 Hump Street
A Clockwork Orgy
In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon

lots more here :) “ – Mr Y

“I think you should take a disney movie. (beauty and the beast maybe). Call it Beauty and the Hot steaming Big Beast. And just play the whole movie only get porn everywhere where it is possible.

No seriously if u want to do it. Just use sex. No story. Expert if u make a really cool story. With a real thing but not a half fake annoying script” – Ms ABC

“did i hear SOMEONE mention MY NAME?....did i hear someone MENTION PORN???!!

Yesyes!...go for it!..make u pron-movie!..but dont bother try to get the movie a storie…NO-ONE gives a fuck about the story in a pron-movie…as long att the ACTION is good….better to make sure that your freind can keep treir dicks hard…

And..the angel…most imortant is the angel from there u shooting the movie…
make sure u shoot it from right angel….try to NOT shoot her or his face all the time…..or his ass bumping up and down on her…

U know….for 5 000 £ i can be the director of your movie if u want!....5 000£ and 12 beers…” – Mr Experience (please note for translation purposes, angel is meant as angle)

“man, try finding eastern european girls, they are cheaper for sure and, who knows, maybe they perform better (LOL)
how about male volunteers…?

The Porn Identity
The Beverly Hills Cock
As Good As She Gets
Florence Hump
Position Impossible“ – Mr Ideas

and a personal favourite of mine…

“Rumanians do anything for money!” – from Mr Funny Twat

There’s several reasons I want Paul in on the deal. Firstly Paul is up for it and I trust him when he says he can perform. He would willingly shag any of them, because he’s a slut of sorts, but he still has standards. Still this is for film, and he’s willing to make the sacrifice to shag young tight volunteers or dip his cucumber into Dutch mayo. Is that too vulgar? I think it’s subtle, so shut up and listen.

[zz93]

I would also like Jordan in on it, if he’s up for it. It would be good to let him loose on the young victims, um, I mean, volunteers. Paul and Jordan should be in the lead roles if you will as they’ll do it with all the cheesy campness it deserves, and will shag to perform. Besides which, I’m hopingh putting J and P in the same room will increase their imaginations to try more agressive stuff, but please God not on each other. I’ll make sure they’re sober, or high, shit I’ll make sure everyone is fucked somehow. Hmm that was metaphorical.

Or the guy who comes round to fix the computer. I think that would be pretty good, in order to entice geeks to watch porn too. While the guy talks about overclocking and shit, he can then start screwing the girl on a Microsoft Natural Keyboard.

Jon wants to be camera man, I wanted to, but I don’t give a shit anymore as the more I think about the idea the more it bores me. In fact it’s been several weeks since we talked about it, and nothing has happened. The girl I wanted in it, I no longer want her in it. Why? She bores me, besides it would be like shagging a children’s bouncing castle, the guys might ricohet off her tyres and crack their heads open against a wall. I wanna make a porno, not a snuff movie. Besides, tyres aren’t that hot in a porn film. I don’t think J or P would shag something like that, since it seems to be growing every other day. Harsh? Reality I think. They’d rather screw a 6ft tall slender blond with shiny white teeth, a mouth that could swallow a planet, hands that could grip Big Ben, and cunt as tight a vaccum sealed cryogenic chamber. Once upon a time, this probably would have been what I wanted.

I guess I’m less bored and more disillusioned at the consistent inactivity of my friends to do something. It’s like you can plan and plan, but in the end, they won’t do anything. It would be great if they shocked me for once and did it, but that shock won’t happen, so fuck it, I can only hope. Still I guess we’ll need a new girl, or the Amsterdam whores will solve many of our problems. We just need the right price I guess.

We could just make a down and dirty straightforward porno. Go to a girl’s place, someone gets down to it, and I take out the camera and start filming, job done I guess. Of course it’s brash, and in reality doing a porn film means absolutely nothing to me. I want to make films, but even then it doesn’t interest me, I couldn’t evoke emotional response, still irrelevant. Perhaps this is all a diversion to find her, whoever she is, and say let’s go somewhere. I don’t know what I’m talking about, I think my dirty ideas about porn are mixing with my thoughts about someone else. Bad!

Things we need to consider aside from locales is costumes, they need to be dirty, loose and all that other stuff. We need music, really cheesy music. Actually I wouldn’t mind making a porno to some good music, but then if you have good music with good vocals, then what do you make the louder sound: the fucking or the music? A gentle soundtrack over the fucking? I’ve fucked to music, music that makes you want to fuck, not cheesy or aggressive, but something, dark, but sexy. It definitely accentuates the moment. Hmmmm, it won’t work in a porn, and I should stop regressing. The past is dead.

I want to make a porno just for the sake of doing it, yer know? To see, yeah we made one, it was fun, we had a laugh, it didn’t sell well. Well, we sold a few copies to some tramps. Well we didn’t quite sell them as give them away. They were used as pillows instead. But it sort of worked. I find people no longer want to take risks, to try things in a different way, to do things outside of the box, or to explore different forms of entertainment, aside from the mundane typical crap that everyone does everyday. You need to add something in your life in order for it to be distinct or different. I’m sure there are thousands out there making amateur pron films purely for fun right now, at this very moment. And why not? If you can get the people, why not do it? What have you got to lose? What you have to gain is a way to fill your day in a slightly different way.

As I thought about the porn film more and more, and the roles every one would take on, like fucker A and fucker B, camera man, and so on, I decided I don’t want to be in the room or in the vicinity when the camera is rolling. What I want to do is get the ball rolling (in a manner of speaking), and to then just go outside, and smoke a cigarette watchig the world pass by, while behind me someone is filming people fucking for fun. It’s a nice contrast don’t you think? The hustle and bustle, the detachment of the outside world vs the discreet and sordid attachment of sex? It’s like a painted picture that I would like to see. I love contrast, I like difference, I like change and variety, and exploration and discovery.

The other thing it would provide is fulfillment, as I’ve already explained. Everyone will get something out of it. They’ll either enjoy it and become more open to sexual exploration with more than one partner at a time, they’ll either hate it and decide one and one is enough, or they’ll want to explore some other things that they felt inhibited to suggest originally. Of course 1001 other possibilities are available, but those would be the most common. I wouldn’t care either way, I’d do it again if needed, if it gave them something. What would it give me? Not a lot, except…no, not a lot. I guess I’d enjoy the organisation, and taking myself away from all of it. But I wouldn’t really gain anything.

What would we do after? Commit the stuff to CD? DVD? With Extras? Outtakes? Menus? Interviews? Biographies? Easter eggs? It’s all possible with the software we have, with our computers, to mass produce a porn film and sell it on the Internet. It can be easily done, and a very viable option. If we do this, how do we split the reveneue? A cut each? Would I gain anything for doing nothing? Would they cut me out? Would they say, this will now be a regular thing but they don’t need me? Do I care? Not really. It’s a bit of fun, and I would exit before it got all egotistical.

I have the patience, the time, the drive and imagination to create a cheesy porn flick, whether anyone else does will be the ultimate question. If it ever happens it would be very interesting to write about: “A Misunderstood Person’s Guide to Making Porn” :)