the rabbit show ·
19 July 05

I looked at the rabbit. Its pink fluffy ears smelt of Lenor Summertime Fresh. A pleasant smell, which was supposed to make you think it was summertime. Unfortunately, smelling it did not take me on a trip; I did not meet a lady dancing in the grass; and it wasn’t sunny. I looked back at the weather, and came back to Earth.

“Rain” I said
“Rain” he repeated with a grimace.

He smiled a wicked smile at me.

“Let’s go!”
“Let’s go” I agreed.

It took about 20 minutes to get to the bank. He was all tense and stressed. I didn’t know why, aside from it was his first time. He’d never done this before; but it was no reason to get tense.

“Don’t get tense” I assured him
“Don’t get tense” he repeated with sarcasm. “I’m not tense idiot – I’m excited” he clarified.
“Oh” I replied with surprise. I was tense, even if he wasn’t. This was MY first time too.

How would it go, I wondered? Would anyone get hurt? Will we get caught? Cameras, what about the cameras? I had no mask, I had nothing. The rabbit it looked at me with the only expression it could – the head of a costume tends not to be able to express much emotion. Those beady eyes looked straight through me, as if I wasn’t actually there. I felt a cold shiver down my back, and my palms began to sweat. We were going to do this.

“Did you bring it?” he asked with anticipation.
“As you asked, yes I did” I confirmed.

I looked at the glove compartment with a slight fear, I know this stuff got him crazy and yet relaxed him. The lesser of two evils would be to let him have it. Otherwise, it would be a massacre. It was only then that a thought hit me; did anyone notice that I was chauffeuring a pink rabbit costume? It was less than conspicuous, but we had got this far, so it was irrelevant.

The second was more awkward; he fell and hit his chin as did the other, but instead of flopping forwards, moved forward, then inexplicably went backwards, hitting the chair leg and cracking his skull open

I reached over to open the glove compartment and there it was, all shiny and glistening under the compartment’s light.

“Move over, it’s mine” he said with glee.
“Fine, fine” I replied, worried at the post-reaction.

He took it out, staring at it, with those beady eyes. I couldn’t tell whether he could actually see, and I just remembered that I needed to buy some stamps. I would probably buy the stamps after this. I looked at the clock; it was almost time to go. The rabbit still had the bag in his hand, and now had opened it. He took out the lettuce first and gave it a good smell.

“Hmmmm – this smells so good!” he replied, with tense excitement, “and this carrot, where did you get it from?” he took a bite, “it’s making my body tingle”
“I stole them from the gardener- well, we are going to do the job, so I thought we may as well get into the habit” I replied, confidently.
“Good thinking; great thinking even!” he concurred.

We got out of the car and headed over to the bank. It would take about 15 minutes for the nearest cops to arrive, which is why we picked place out of the way. The rabbit walked in first, and everyone laughed. I heard a shotgun go off, and I ran inside. The security guard was dead. They all stared at the rabbit with frustration – they didn’t know whether to laugh at a pink rabbit with a shotgun, or cry tears for their life. The others began to laugh. “Bang” went the gun again. I wafted the lettuce in front of his face, and he began to follow.

“Calm the fuck down” I shouted.
“Lettuce” he replied, dreamily.

I was shocked that no one had pressed the alarm yet, the cameras didn’t seem to be working anyway. They just remained static, and the light was off. Being local, safety didn’t seem to b its priority, so I jumped over the counter and aimed my gun at the first till operators head – the bullet fired and exited her skull, followed by the second person to fall. The one remaining person stood, shivered, and was almost in tears.

He’d wetted himself as he watched the first victim slump, hit their chin on the counter and flop forwards. The second was more awkward; he fell and hit his chin as did the other, but instead of flopping forwards, moved forward, then inexplicably went backwards, hitting the chair leg and cracking his skull open. It’s probably not nice to die twice. I heard applause, but didn’t see anything when I turned around. They all stood and watched me in fear. The doors were closed and they had nothing to do.

did anyone notice that I was chauffeuring a pink rabbit costume? It was less than conspicuous, but we had got this far, so it was irrelevant

“Don’t kill us Mr Rabbit”, a woman screamed and off went the gun. Another bit the dust, and I pondered as to why they didn’t notice that I was there too. After all, I was the one who jumped on the counter, movie-star like. DO rabbits get more respect than normal people, or just me?

“Ok, what do we want?” I asked.
“28p x 4, remember we need stamps. Take an extra £1 – I may need milk for my tea” he replied with seriousness.
“There’s several hundreds here” I replied with confusion.
He turned and looked at me, and for a moment, I thought I felt the eyes move, “Take enough for four stamps, and enough for a bottle of milk – do you hear me?” he replied with menace.

I looked at the several dead bodies around us, then looked back at the rabbit, and then back at the money. I shrugged and picked up enough for four stamps and a bottle of milk, and then we exited.

“Sorry about the mess” I said on leaving, “we sort of run out of stamps, and the rabbit likes milk! Who’s ever heard of a pink rabbit with a shotgun that likes milk? Well, have a good one – and don’t be a stranger”

I thought about inviting them over for some tea, but thought better of it and held back. They’d probably be put off by the rabbit’s menacing look. Plus all those dead people probably wasn’t a good start.

The applause grew louder, and we took a bow. We looked at each other, or at least, I looked at the rabbit heading off for the exit, as the other cast members walked off. He took out a carrot, with a timer.

“And for a final, explosive Easter surprise, enjoy the carrots!” exclaimed the rabbit.

Walking for the exit, I felt a degree of satisfaction, as I heard the explosions and the screaming of people burning; their limbs having been blown off. Something in me said, “Happy Easter” in my own, unique way.

I took off the rabbit head, and went home.