the sickness ·
30 May 07

I am having a horrid time trying to cope with my medication ceasing. I have felt an overwhelming and powerful sense of mass nausea and a super low in my depression. I’m having a massively hard time trying to deal with it.

My body is physically rejecting my control, I can’t seem to stop the sickness or lift my spirits and break free from the low. My skull has been splitting and I’ve felt restless, and yet sleep deprived. For the past few days I’ve forced myself to sleep, but the sleep is fragmented and unreal.

It continues to dog me, as I wake up and feel no real sense of having rested myself during the night. It takes me three to four hours in the dark to draw myself to sleep, but I wake up within a few hours. It’s just a fucking bitch.

Several times this morning I’ve wanted to, as I have before, force my hand into my skull and rip out my brain and pull out every part of my brain that is causing me excessive pain. The physical sickness, as I said before, is overwhelming and a sickeningly difficult to cope with for me.

I still don’t know whether all this stems from withdrawal symptoms, or whether I’m just becoming ill with something else, like a cold or perhaps flu. I have felt physical discomfort and pain within my body. In particular my should and spinal area has felt rather sore, the biggest pain is in my head though, towards to the front part of my skull.

My parents had a big argument last night, and it went pretty deep with comments about extended family members, and those that were dead. It’s the sort of thing that triggers my homicidal thoughts as all I felt when I heard them arguing was a growing sadistic desire to inflict as much pain as possible on the both of them.

I thought about slitting my mother’s throat while she slept and cracking a knife in to my step-father’s chest. Strangely I felt no desire to kill my half brother. Or I could kill my mother and set up my step father to take the fall, some how.

I think that negativity is partly responsible for how I feel, which is helpless and tired of futile arguments. I don’t want the remainder of my life to be wasted or around superficiality, or nonsense. I’m trying to find a way to make my time remaining to count towards something, to achieve something which I haven’t done over the past few years. This may have something to do with me getting older and considering my mortality with more thought, I don’t know to be honest.

The nausea is really kicking in, I feel like I’m going to chuck at any moment, and yet I haven’t, but that feeling remains. My temper is rising, my anxiety is increasing and I don’t have the mental state to cope with evidencing the issue to confirm the reality. Does that even make sense, I can’t even understand what the hell I’m talking about any more, nor can I focus my mind.

I was prepared to do a part of my course today, as I have been doing a part every week so far. It’s a heavy effort and I feel lethargic as well as restless. It’s this mixed up feeling that’s driving me to deep depression right now. It’s making the feeling of sickness feel infinitely much more worse than it probably is. I feel like crying, to find some avenue or way of extracting some emotion out of myself. I don’t want to resort to self harming or harming those around me to achieve it, and yet I’m wholly helpless
in being able to do so. I can’t fucking cry.

My head is all over the place, everything is ticking me off.

END