therapy 08 ·
18 December 07

So I had my first therapy session in some time. As always the opening question is “How are you?”. As ever I reply with, “Fine” and then there’s an awkward silence where either I will follow on from that statement to expand on it, or the shrink will expand on it and pull the answers out like rotten teeth refusing to budge.

But that’s all going to change in the new year as my shrink is going to change. Not into a butterfly or anything, but she is changing jobs I believe, or doing the same job but in a different department. I didn’t enquire really, so I don’t know much more than what I’m saying and speculating about. I don’t feel it’s any of my business to enquire any further.

She asked how I felt about it. I told her that it didn’t really bother me, in that I was expecting things to change at some point, if anything I was expecting my shrink to change on a regular basis much like Paul’s situation where he rarely has a regular shrink. But I’ve had the same one for about 18 months or so, someone working both as my psych and my care co-ordinator. She explained that it was unusual for a patient to have the same person as both care co-ordinator and therapist. Usually the process is that you have a care co-ordinator and someone else as your therapist. So I don’t know if the arrangement was to my benefit or to my detriment.

As I said, things are going to change in the year when she leaves, as I will be assigned a different care co-ordinator and a different psych. It’s going to be weird initially because I’ve not had the situation of dealing with two different people to resolve my illness, if that makes any sense. I don’t know if the co-ordinator will be involved in my treatment in any way, that is to say whether he will take an active role in my therapy like my current psych.

I think he’s just managing my therapy though, rather than treating me directly. I suspect it’s a case of looking at my treatment, progress and seeing what changes need to be made if any, how my medication is being dealt with etc. Oh and it is a guy, and my current psych believes that he is more than qualified for the role, I can’t remember the exact words used, but to paraphrase “He’s very good”. I don’t know how to take that, as the voice says, “Well she would say that” and then I say, “May be she means it”. It’s all a bit alien for me, I feel a little out of sorts, not because of the news, but just in general today.

My sleep patterns have been erratic and unfruitful, as I only got about five hours sleep last night. Speaking to the psych about it, I explained that I feel I need sleeping pills to help me sleep. The problem is my GP is being an arsehole and refusing to prescribe them. I know, I do contemplate suicide quite often, but at the same time I also contemplate stopping myself, or not thinking about suicide at all. Thing is it’s my own fault in some respects, as I scared the shit out of my doctor the day I walked in ready to kill him when I first had problems about hearing voice’s.

Since that day he’s always been overly nice, it’s pretty creepy as I feel I ought to be attacking him to justify his fears about my state of mind. He’s very gentle with me, and doesn’t rush me like he used to do. There was a time when he wouldn’t even look at me, and instead look at his monitor while talking to me about any symptoms I have for whatever illness. But now he looks at me, and pays attention. I don’t know if he fears me. May be his wife is beating him up at home. I don’t know.

In any case, I feel the need for sleeping pills as my sleep has been irregular, and in some cases non-existent. I stay awake for two or three days, and then I sleep for a few hours and then the routine starts again. I feel I have all this pent up energy that I have no way of releasing, except through writing at the moment. My energies could probably provide me with more productivity if I felt motivated to do more things, but I lack motivation and inspiration to do anything really productive.

Part of this, I believe is because of the medication I’m on which curbs my energy, and part of it is due to lack of sleep where I start to lose the plot, became irritable and angry. The voice kicks in, takes advantage of the situation and feeds me a load of lies about what’s happening, convincing me that I’m going mad. I’m not going mad, though, or may be I am in fact. I think it’s a manageable madness, however.

Regardless, I need a sleep aide, and sleeping pills I believe are the answer, because it would tire me out and I need to wake up feeling refreshed from sleep at least once in a while. So my psych is going to communicate this to my GP I think, or have another medicine review before my GP is informed, and then make some sort of decision based on the out come of the meeting.

I did confess to my psych that I do feel as though I’m becoming agoraphobic, and finding it harder and harder to break the cycle of not going out. I mean I’ve had plans to go out, hook up with Paul, without the narcotics, and do stuff. But, I’ve been unable to. It’s not through lack of trying, but I don’t feel comfortable being outside around other people, that’s been an issue for me for a long time. Hearing other peoples voices as well as my own, the one inside my head that are my thoughts, and the external voice of mine which is the voice.

It becomes confusing and overloads my brain as though it’s going to explode any second should any more voices be added to the mix. People laugh, shout, talk, and it feels as though it’s towards or about me. Why? Not because I think the world revolves around me, but I lack the mental capacity to handle the basics of being around people. I have become crippled in that sense.

I was told to take my meds later in the day, rather than earlier if I am unable to sleep. I feel tired now and really want to go to sleep. Five hours just isn’t enough for a three day stint without sleep. So, I think I’ll take my meds, and try to sleep.