under the influence ·
25 June 04

The Mighty King Prawn and his legions of the mystic.

As the king prawn sat at his keyboard, his eyes bulged inwards into the keyboard he was typing from. He was stoned, very very stoned, his stomach spun like a whirlpool, suddenly he was flying. His right arm between the wrist and the elbow was swinging in and out away from the other parts of the arm. He clawed his nose as it was itching. He heard the footsteps of his children. He tongued his left tooth which seemed to taste of water bugs that he liked a lot. It was the leg probably.

He sat with his family at dinner, and picked up another delicious water bug. The water bug was yellow and long and tasted like a banana. He watched the banana movie where they did the conga on a computer and sung dirty songs about surfing on her juices. It was one dirty movie man. And all sorts were going on. All sorts of weird and kinky sex.

The prawn sat up and was turned on by all the sex of all types. It was so weird, mutations were happening with all this sex and bodies fucking bodies were making love to each other at the same time. It was one big, sexual fuck – all the juices were flowing, they engulfed the wet, moist organs of sex, wetting them further. Feeling the vibrations, feeling those bits rubbing against each other in all that moistness. The stroking, the rubbing, the climax, coming, and feeling the throbbing, feeling the pushing, feeling her lips part and rub up and down your cock. Like a boat going into a dark, beautiful moist hole – that hole is the tunnel. She screams in both agony and pleasure. This tenses your back and it excites you and drives you to take it out. Because you know, the next time the boat forces its way in, the tunnel will already know what to expect and get bigger so it doesn’t feel it. But it wants to feel the throbbing and rubbing off its walls, and at the last minute – it closes its walls, to feel the vibrations inside between those two ends, but also to her bell being repeatedly vibrated. So she can open here bridges, and burst open the damn in one beautiful, glowing creamy gush of love.

I had one banana left man. Fuck, I was running out of bananas. I heard all these cats fighting in my heads, screaming going “meow meow” screaming and scratching at each other. I couldn’t understand what this meant, and why the cats were screaming. Perhaps it was because I just shouted at my mum to make my dinner while she told me bad that happened to my step dad. IT was like a goddam cat fight man!

We are slaving to live, when we should be living.

Cat Fight Man could be the best super hero of all time, because he would wear a purple suit and fly around like a brown cat and say “CAT FIGHT MAN! is the greatest HEROOOOOO” and that would be his theme song and it would the best ever song in the bestest bestest greatest muzziest ever, astonishingest beauty beauty beauty beautiest world of this beautiful colourful world. And then I noticed that my black keyboard which had white letters was now all in different colours. And so every time I typed the colours mixed as each finger dipped into different colours on the keyboard the colours mixed. As I typed, the colours splashed onto the screen and it started painting with splashes of ink all over.

I thought my goddam knee was bleeding – it felt like a rat had dug its sharp, razor teeth into my knees biting, infecting me with its poison. Aids, death, it was killing me. This rodent. This evil fucking bastard. And people blame this stupid shit on homosexuality or black people. People blamed humans for creating infections and then passing it on. In their ignorance, to associate what they thought was different was therefore wrong they stigmatised a disease given from animals with what they hated. How depressing pathetic humans are to do such a thing to fellow humans, they are human as well, they are not animals,. The reason is because animals do not have the same intelligence as us, therefore we should be ashamed. Because we can think and we still stoop so low as to put an infection on people and say different people provided that disease. SUCH A WORLD MAKES ME ILL & ANGRY, AND IT MAKES ME CRY IN SHAME TO BE A HUMAN AND TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THIS IS HOW PEOPLE THINK AND ARE SO FUCKING INBRED AND NARROW MINDED AS TO NOT LOOK BEYOND THEIR MOTHERFUCKING IGNORANCE.
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People have to fight. It makes me sad, it makes my heart cry to think people live in this world and are surrounded by such sorrowful pity that is the human race. It brings me to tears, causing a river of shame to flow from my heart. Yes humans we are so low, that we judge each other. We refuse to love because love is too easy to have, we prefer to hate, because in hating we can serve our other evil needs such as gluttony and greed. We want to be evil, we have not moved forwards but backs, we are paying sacrifice and punishment in this misery because we are paying for the sins of greed and gluttony and all that is evil. We drove ourselves so far apart through hatred and power that we are not even able to remember what the fight was about. People fight and it pains me to think I am human. I would rather be an insect, then I would only have to choices, to live or die. Those would be my only options.

In the human race you live or die, or stay living poor, stay living rich, so many choices; we are supposed to be so intelligent,. But we kill each other. Sad bastards are we.

Sorry I thought we couldn’t be getting any lower as a human race but I was wrong. YES BABY !!! WE CAN GO LOWER THAN THHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!!!

BTW EARLIER I HAD BANANA BREAK WHICH IS life a coffee break but with FRUUIT!!! Wooo hoooo ( I FEEL LIKE A COWBOY RIGHT NOW AND I WANNA RIDE A HORSE INTO THE dusty sunset and keep riding till I get piles or something, my ass would hurt that much because I rode so many years.

it felt like a million people pissing on my head at once – it was warm and steamy but not so smelly I guess.

NOW I NEED another break, its called water break – that could mean take a piss, or drink water, or both…or together
Hmmm weird thoughts. Bad idea.
Stop talking MONKEY!!

My god, I am eating the juiciest, most succulent bananas. I found another pile outside my door. I think the banana fairy (bless her beautiful bosom, and her kind heart nested beneath those breasts) left them here. The bananas were like snow, but warm creamy snow, succulent, watery and melting in your mouth and it tasted like beautiful, gorgeous pure sugary – so sugary that when the sugar touched your gums it would hurt – it was THAT sugary that your roots cried and said “too much sugar its too sugary.” It was the most beautiful honey in the world. And I thought of her, and I wonder, what a beautiful honey she was, whoever she was. Beautiful and soft, and delicate, and melting in my mouth. Her beauty burning into my skull like hot fire coal being shovelled in my mind. My arms weighing down in awe of such beauty. Such glow and love; that my body crumbles beneath its weight and sheer magnitude. My heart sinks when I see her, when I think of her, when I want her, and long to be near her. But she doesn’t exist, and that is the part of my love that I can never give away. I believe I think then that everyone has that love for another person whoever it may be, and that is the love that some people never giveaway because they hold on to that love like its their dear life, but sometimes they need to let their hearts go so they can find love.

And not to be afraid because that love will come back greater and stronger for finding that love that it needed so much. I don’t need to be closed anymore, I can open up and accept people (like a cool toy shop). And hope that I can understand to love again and want things, and want people, because I don’t have to be afraid of love anymore (shout shout let it all out). I was afraid out of fear, that I was better alone I could do anything with someone blocking my way as that’s why I stayed away., I thought they were an obstacle, a nuisance, which is why I never loved them (love don’t mean a thing honey). I could have done, if I accepted them, I was such a bastard (Hammer time) all that time; all those times. They should have killed me for being so bad to them. I wish I could change time and never hurt them because then I would…not hate myself perhaps (Highway to hell…).
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So many things I did wrong to so many. Perhaps I am also feeling and paying for the sins I committed in past lives all at once, but right now I feel most in danger, because I can feel all those past lives at once and that depression will destroy me like a black wall rumbling over to swirl into a great big black dark haunting hall where all you hear are the harrowing screams of the dead and the ghosts screaming for “life, life, life” the screech, “we need your life.” They scream in pain, and they twist their necks and break their arms for a piece of your soul your eternal soul being controlled and moulded by the devil himself.

Him placing the thoughts of death and murder and killing and dying and the heart., tear out the heart, tear out my heart and place it on the table, place it on the table and stab it.

Stab my heart to death and burn my body till it cannot burn any more till my ashes are no longer ashes, but ashes that burn away and I die and I perish and I suffer and torment in this crying, drowning lava. The feeling of drowning in lava dying like that. I want to die in so many ways that I am depressed that I can’t have any more lives. The ability to die in as many ways as you could wish for an entire lifetime till you exhaust every idea. I want to die like that; I want to die forever and ever in so many ways. What joyous experience lies within this insanity?

My heart sinks when I see her, when I think of her, when I want her, and long to be near her.

My darkness grows and grows, like a dark wolf running through the forest, its fur rubbing up against your arms as you hide, in the grass, it doesn’t notice, but your heart is thumping and crying and you hope the wolf doesn’t catch you because if it does it will bite and kill you forever. And you will die at once a horrible death forever.

Banana break “I feel like making small movie about bananas one day that will be another story somewhere else. Christ I had a funny thought, let’s see how much guts I have after the break”.

By this time he had thought of a title for his movie. And also on TV; that was on running all through this, he didn’t know what he was watching. He no longer knew if it was one program that had gone by or 10 programs all merged into one program or mixed so that first it’s a dating show, then it’s a gardening show, then it’s a comedy show and then it’s a detective story and then a history story and then it turns into a bar room brawl and its all merged so that you can never ever tell when it went from one story to the next. It was a great story.

I had this idea that the best directed movie in the world is a movie where the director never said cut, and that for me was a metaphor for us to say “hey we always stop to think, what happens if we just let things happen and we accept them as they come? Let’s not stop and filter things, just feel with your heart and maybe everything will turn out better?” Dunno!

CHIPS AND BEANS YUMMY!!! Break Round something…6? Dunno w00 new word for now, dunno made by Matchbox Toys buy it now in shops!
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My director will ask tomorrow, “So what did the doctor say?” And I will respond with “He said you don’t need anything” “He’s the crappiest doctor in the fucking world. My foot hurts, I’ve been dizzy, sick, fatigued, depressed and what does he say?” here we go, “NOTHING!” Quite sad really.

The foot feels as though it’s been trampled on by an elephant. And he says, I mean fuck he didn’t even examine me. He looked, JUST LOOKED at me and said “You’re fine”. WHAT FUCK MAN!! GIVE ME A CHANCE TO COMPLAIN!! You owe 5 minutes of your life for making an appointment, at least pretend to give a shit! My foot FUCKING HURTS! Fucking wanker! I’m well annoyed by that.

Man, my legs were tired, I had convinced myself that drowning my head in the shower would help me sleep better and make me feel relaxed. And you know I think it worked, but at the same time, it felt like a million people pissing on my head at once – it was warm and steamy but not so smelly I guess.

I was really stoned crap and my line manager had called to find out how I was getting on at work (she works as secondment like a loan thing from where I work) anyway, I was stoned and talking to her, and she asked me to repeat stuff. I was like “blakaslksalksalassk” I think, she said she would call me back because she wasn’t able to understand me! Oh man I’m laughing so hard, she couldn’t understand me and she thought it was the mobile. That’s so cool. I AM THAT STONED – SWEET JESUS ROLL ME ANOTHER!

every time I typed the colours mixed as each finger dipped into different colours on the keyboard

Well I pinched the remaining bananas. 3 left, and I feel like some…sheriff, except instead of catching people, I eat bananas. Maybe I would be the best sheriff around, you never know. I’d be the best wizard though cause I would get everyone stoned and then people really would believe that I was doing magic. Maybe that’s why they thought Jesus was floating on water, when in fact he was drowning his way across with his feet kicking, going “Stop thinking I’m floating and give me a hand you fecking bastards!! I’m drowning ‘ere you twatheads!!! STOP EATING THOSE FOOKIN MUSHROOMS WILL YER!?”

Crap my mother came in the room and well, I can’t remember what she said. Oh wait, I had a conversation and – wow, my legs felt heavy at this time and then I thought about the machine that I kept inside a box of meaty chocolate sticks from JAPAN! I must be stoned if I’m thinking about pikachu in the movie “HORROR ASS VIBRATING CHEESE” some sort of fucked up twisted horror-porn-cooking-cuddly-animal-movie. They wouldn’t know whether to make an 18 movie or to turn into a kids TV series. Well, you can imagine the execs, “Well we have to take the porn out, cuz they’re kids.” and, “you have to take out the horror cuz its scary for kids, and the cooking cuz kids eat what we tell em when they’re that young, so let’s keep the cuddly cute animals” And that was how that shit turned into Pokemon. They filtered and censored so much.

And perhaps that’s what cartoons are, former sadistic and blasphemous movies or ideas filtered down through censorship brainwashing into the most basic and lightest tones of sexual deviancy and horrific death and all that is considered taboo and sacred. Everything becomes a cartoon.

I imagined that I would feel every single emotion, that I would go through the motions, that I would feel everything ecstatic and fascinated and inspired to deep, dark gloom of hell. I don’t know how many of those emotions it has brought me through, but I know for sure, that all this writing is my way to stay alive. This is me exercising my demons, I am draining the blood and poison from my blood. My blood drains as I type, the blood feeding the keyboard, it being alive, and as I type it bites into my fingers taking little stabs, enough to make further blood flow through its crevices drinking, and slurping the blood, “feed me, give me your blood – we enjoy your feast” and you let it drink your blood, it is like some sinful, sadistic, taboo sexual orgasm. Christ where was I going what was I thinking, the road of imagination I was walking down was playing wonderfully powerful jazz music, the cliché of neon lights and images of the pictures and “girls, girls, girls” as I walk down this red path. The city night, dripping and sweating with depression and misery and self loathing on the streets. Me swinging all over the place, the keyboard drinking my blood, me in constant orgasm, and my body being drained all the time.
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Is it cowardice to restrict who sees this? Is it cowardice if I don’t? If everyone can see it, how is it cowardice? Well it is cowardice because you have then done in reaction to nothing being said. When things used to be said, but now no one talks or says anything, people only say hi to who they know, or who they want to know., they don’t talk to everyone equally, they pick and choose, and sometimes you’re theirs and sometimes you’re not and sometimes it doesn’t matter, so maybe that’s why it is cowardice.

To make people think, to make people to talk, to motivate, disgust, inspire, to initiate to do anything to do with acceleration. Don’t stop thinking, just let everything flow – don’t stop for a minute and see how far you can think without taking a break, and you’d probably be happier than you’ve ever been. Or perhaps not, I think that that is how I want it to be, but I don’t know if that is how it actually is. If you thought without braking, stopping, would you be happier? I didn’t need a porno, I needed to be in a porno. Well that was a momentary side thought. Sometimes thoughts just leak…

Maybe I’m just lucky, maybe being in love and not knowing who I love than not knowing who is better. Kinda gives you the drive to keep looking. If boredom kills me it kills me, right now, it’s me, mr foo fighters just chillin on some sort of floating couch that just speedily, but softly zoom into some sort of amazing swirl – there’s like a soft wind blowing when it should be harder on you, but you don’t feel that – you feel warmth.

Man, I’m not sure what it’s come down to, what the result of this is, am I happy being depressed and bored with life, and just going to look at the world maniacally and just treat the world as if it’s my toy? I don’t even know what I mean anymore. I think maybe when a person is under the influence, they are actually speaking using parts the mind that they don’t typically use, because a lot is said in an intoxicating form. A lot of truths, “oh I didn’t mean it” well, just accept you meant it at that moment in time, it’s ok, be cool and don’t fret. Because if you can accept that that is sometimes how you feel, then you can remind yourself that hey “I’m human too” and people do it now and again.

I feel like some…sheriff, except instead of catching people, I eat bananas.

We envy Buddhists, how at peace they are. Well let’s be honest, if everyone lived in a cave for the rest of their life away from all the pressures of an industrial world, they too would find peace. We deal with everyday, abnormal pressures, pressures induced by man upon man in order to keep ourselves in a chain of self-made slavery. We are slaving to live, when we should be living. We’ve worked so hard to create inventions and to just build and build, we forget what we’re building on, our home. Everyone’s home. And the hippy speaks, and walks into the mud in his bare feet. Leaving muddy footprints in his wake, slipping and sliding, and eventually falling into a pool of mud. He curses and he spits, but then once out he reminds himself that it’s just home.

I’m fairly happy now, at peace, content, and maybe weed is meant to do that – well it is, it makes you so relaxed it kills your sperm count cuz it’s so goddam lazy it dies, drowning, not caring. Everything is cool, perhaps another phase, who knows I think I’ve gone through quite a lot.

I feel some thought, some, really deep thought, personal thoughts that maybe I need to contemplate. Things that will open my mind and my soul to the bigger world, that will say hey, open your eyes a little more, and you will be a little but more alive. Imagine yourself from space – can you even see yourself? Not from that distance, not without help. So just imagine you are this spot so small, so tiny compared to the rest of the world – how can you say you’re bored when you’re so small you don’t even register as movement from this distance? There’s a whole world that is waiting for you, maybe not now, but very soon it’ll be time to visit that world and all it offers. And then we can die peacefully, but you have a lot of work ahead of you, so start saving, start learning and start hoping.

I am happy and I am unhappy, but there’s always hope and there is always light, so maybe I will get things right. In time. Patience.

So he goes to bed, tired, sleepy, not having done the work he was supposed to (bugger it man, it’ll wait till morning – of course it will), so it’s like the sun is setting, and the car is driving into the desert road, and the darkness is being pulled over, and the moon is showing, and the stars are shining and I’m going home, to wherever that is, and I’m happy and life is good, and everyone is my friend. Maybe, if they’re not scared…

Goodnight world, sleep well, and have a cool dream about some amazing road journey…