unproductive thoughts of defeat ·
26 December 07

I know memory tends to worsen as you grow older, but I’m finding my memory to be very foggy at the best of times. Several times today I’ve thought about doing something, but almost immediately forget what that thing was. I’m referring to those things as things, because I can’t recall any examples of what it is I have forgotten. Once forgotten those thoughts don’t return, and it gets worse because I try hard to remember or recall some fragment of the idea that I had. But to no avail, and much to my frustration.

I some times play fight with my half-brother, we don’t really hug or anything like that, so play fighting is a suitable substitute. My shrink asked me about my feelings towards him, and I stated that I would probably miss his presence, but that I didn’t harbour any real feelings of concern for him. Whether I leave or not, I’m not his father, and cannot be there for him when his father should. I am not a replacement to help him and coach him as he grows older. He is not my responsibility.

Something else that my psych told me to think about was, well, I’ve forgotten what it was. So I’ll just change the topic to group therapy. I’ve read their material and it sounds “wishy washy” as I explained to my psych. It seems such a weak way of dealing with the illness. I would like the process to be more aggressive and much harder. I don’t believe in the “softly, softly” approach to dealing with illness. Meet the illness head on and attack it with venom. Although, to be honest I wouldn’t know how to do that without guidance.

It’s the idea of group support that I find repulsive. Depending on others to help you get through a problem. I refuse to deal with things in such a way, how can I be normal by depending no others? In real life, you don’t depend on others, and you don’t expect to receive help from others when faced with a problem. You’re on your own then, so why not be on your own when being treated for an illness. Individuals are responsible for their own actions and approaches to illness, so why change things to include support from strangers. Every experience of mental illness would differ, and can’t be replicated. They can be similar, but they cannot be the same.

Still, I have agreed to be referred to being put in a particular group for therapy. Let me grab the material I was given. It’s referred to as the Voice Hearer’s Support Group, and they aim to provide a way of sharing experiences and supporting each other to figure out what has happened and why. Like I said, it sounds like fucking bullshit to me. This idea that others can understand you and therefore help you with their experiences, greater or less, is nonsense. I have to attend for two weeks initially I think. That’s once a week for 1.5 hours and then I can attend as regularly as I want or do not want.

It doesn’t seem to have any rules as such, and the group can be as little as three people or as big as seven. I don’t see the purpose of a small group, nor do I see the purpose of a big group, in fact I don’t see the purpose of any group but I am reluctantly agreeing to do this, kicking and screaming all the way because it goes against my gut feeling that it will be a fruitless exercise and waste of everybody’s time. The voice agrees with me, or at least it initiated the seeds of doubt that I had about the group. I don’t often listen to the voice, but I think it’s got a point with regards to the group – it will not be productive.

But, I’m on more meds now to help with my insomnia, which is legitimate, and something that I am hoping can be solved in some fashion, though it’s interesting that my psych has done more to help me on this front than my GP. The GP refuses to prescribe sleeping aides without consultation with my psych. They finally got the fax yesterday I think it was, or the day before I forget (see how bad my memory is). As it is, I was prescribed a week’s worth of sleeping aides in the form of Promethazine Hydrochloride. I don’t know what the common/short name for it is. Sorry.

The first time I tried these meds, on the first day, I was overwhelmed by its effects. I’m not sure if it’s a placebo effect, but a little quick internet research would answer my question. I would rather not know, to be honest. I would rather have the placebo effect and believe it’s helping me sleep, rather than fighting against it, and staying awake which in turn would make me irritable and frustrated. However, on the second day of taking, the effects were less overwhelming, and if anything I felt as though it was placebo. I am taking the medication late at night, so I got the full effect of being tired coupled with the medications sedative effects. I just think I may need something stronger to help ensure I sleep.

I wake up feel drowsy and groggy, it doesn’t seem to shake off for a while which makes me think the med is working. I do feel as though I have slept, but I don’t sleep for very long I don’t think, as I still get up at 7am or earlier. So yes, there’s sleep but so far no major difference in the length of time I sleep. I’m hoping that with continued use it will star to work better, and longer. I don’t want to wake up at 7pm at night, but sleeping about eight or nine hours isn’t much to ask I don’t think.