what happens next? ·
25 August 06

It’s getting to the point that my sessions for therapy are going to be over. This has me a little worried as I thought the therapy was on going. The other problem is that I haven’t been going to my therapy sessions as often as I should, in fact it’s gotten so serious that this morning I received a letter stating that the sessions would end abruptly unless I attended more regularly than I have been doing, in order to justify the extension.

I was told that the reason why the therapy has lasted for so long, was because it was to help me become self dependent. The therapy was working until I was told they were going to end the sessions, and this is when the voice in my head took a hold and said, “told you so”.

The voice has been playing up of late, putting me down and fucking me up in general. It’s alwasy done this, but since I’ve been concious of the said fact, it’s been worse. It’s been violent, enraged, rejuvenated somehow.

Everyday I spend on the bus, is made more difficult because the buses become more packed each day. I get tired, and when I get tired I find myself susceptible to the voice and what he wants. My friends don’t talk about it anymore, or make fun of it, but that’s really up to them. It did bother me a bit when they did, it was like having knifes stabbed into the back of my neck, while being suffocated with a bag over my head.

I feel like I’m juggling two lives really. The one people see, and the one people don’t see. The latter is one I try to suppress. Let’s face it, I accept that I don’t deny that I have a strong will, and that I’ve done really well in not hurting anyone, or hurting myself.

Actually, hurting myself has come up a few times. The voice encourages me to self harm, talking about knives, razor blades and carpet knives. I imagine myself cutting myself with these, but not like before where it was cutting the skin and watching it bleed, I feel this time it will be worse if I give in; that I’ll end up cutting my arteries and veins if I succomb to the temptation.

And it is a temptation, because when I used to cut my arms it was a release of sorts. I used to do it with tears running down my eyes, but when it was done it was over with, the voice won but so did I because I simply lacked the energy to do it again. Well, sometimes. Sometimes I would cut through the cuts repeatedly or cut words into my arms. Maybe it was more than just a release, maybe I perversely gained some sort of pleasure out of it. I don’t know anymore. I don’t like to remember how it felt, as it makes me feel physically sick.

I digress. I recently revisited these feelings of self harm, and they’ve been haunting me a little of late. I’m not sure how to deal with them. It’s easy to say, “don’t let the voice win, don’t let it control you”. I’ve been doing that for over a decade now, and I’m getting weaker I think. This isn’t the voice telling me, well it is, but it’s also an opinion that I’ve come to after so many years. I’m finding it more difficult to cope with these feelings. I can’t find a way out of them.

So what happens now then? I have to wonder, I mean once I’m no longer given therapy, is that free reign to do as I want to, nay, commanded to do? I know it’s not, but I’m not going to be monitored in any way to check on whether I’m doing well or not. If I get into a fight, because I’ve suddenly flipped, or I end up self mutilating and harming, who do I have to answer to not do it. Does that make sense? That’s what I’m worrying about, that’s my concern. I’m not saying that I’ll dump everything I’ve learned from the therapy, but it’s going to throw things up in the air for me, as I won’t have an outlet for voice, and that’s the therapy allows me to do.

It does more, of course, but that’s the obstacle facing me. What happens now?