white lie ·
3 July 08

Yeah, well, I guess I should also admit that I had stopped taking my anti-psychotics a few days ago as well. Well, may be like a week or go or close to it/ Ten days perhaps? I don’t really recall. I’m going to get back on my meds today I think. Or may be I will wait and see what happens next.

Physically and mentally I am all over the place. Nausea has been my biggest gripe since not taking my medication. I can’t eat, drink or speak without feeling queasy. My stomach is constantly churning, and every time I need to release air, like through burping, it comes with the teasing taste of bile rising up through my throat, burning and scorching my taste buds. It’s like dinner whenever you want it. It may not be nice, but dig in!

I’ve also suffered from exhaustion and fatigue. I have not had sleep that can be considered restful for what feels like a long time. I feel ill all the time, and get cold sweats or become heat exhausted with the sun coming out so often and with such warm weather.

Taking showers has helped, and I have been taking longer showers as the days have gone on. It’s the only place that I am free of any thoughts towards my illness, towards my medication, towards people I know, and people I don’t know. It’s where I don’t feel sick. The shower water beating down on my head is soothing, and helps me move to a much more controlled and safer zone than when I am out of the shower. I have not been successful in being able to replicate that experience outside of a shower.

The closest I can get to that safe place of calm and control is when it rains. Either when I’m about to sleep, or sleeping, or just standing outside either in or out of the rain. It’s really a personal time for me, and I really wish I had more moments like it.

Rain has always been that way with me, ever since I was a child. It’s not practical but I would probably go with several showers throughout the day, to avoid communication with others that I know or don’t know. It’s my private place for thought, or even no thought, where I can just let my mind run free. It’s also one of the few moments that I am able to completely control the voice. Well, that’s not strictly true, I can’t control the voice, but I can ignore it with other mental distractions. It’s really easy to do and I don’t feel so stressed or under pressure.

Why am I stopping my medication? It’s difficult to say. At first it wasn’t intentional, because the pharmacy spent so long in getting my medication to me. During that period I had spent a few days without my medication, and it felt fine. There was no overwhelming difficulty in managing a few days without medication.

But as the days continued, and I finally got my medication, I wanted to see how long it would take for me to feel any side effects or withdrawal symptoms. I really wanted to see just how much of a difference the medication I was taking was making in my life, and whether I was able to cope some time without it. If so, could I help myself by stopping the medications in general, restricting myself to common medicines such as paracetamol and other over the counter drugs?

So three weeks in or so, I have not taken my antidepressants, and it’s been about roughly a week and a bit since I have stopped taking my anti-psychotics and related medicines. The results have been mixed. I am no longer continuing the habit of just popping my pills without questioning them. I take a mixture of pills to help with the voice hearing, depression and their side-effects, I haven’t tried to cope without meds before so suddenly and for such a length thus far. There have been sporadic moments where my previous psychologist and myself discussed the possibility of reducing my meds, or stopping them all together, but in controlled stages, if that was what I wanted to do.

I’m not sure where this need to play with my health has come from. I was reading back on earlier blog entries I made. Back then I felt I had a lot more energy, a lot more creativity a lot more character. I haven’t been happy with being medicated for so long. Not just for so long, you could argue 18+ months is not a very long time to be taking medications designed to help level out the chemical imbalance in my brain. I would probably agree, but doing so for 18+ months and almost everyday then yeah, it’s a long time, and a lot of chemicals being put in to the body.

To be honest I’m scared that I won’t be able to be “normal” without medication, that I won’t be able to cope with the stresses. These will be life long medications that need reviewing every so often. It feels such a robotic procedure to collect your meds, then wash them down with water and carry on with the day. There might be an explanation for this need to stop medications, which is more a lifestyle thing. It’s possible that I have a very short attention span, and a fiery hatred of routine.

When I was employed, I was always thinking of where I wanted to be later on. At my first job it was just manning up. The job was awful, I didn’t get paid all the time as the bastards who owned the company took pay for themselves but neglected to pay us. We got fucked royally. After that I never felt like I was ready to settle down in one job, as I would probably get bored of it really quickly. Every job I have had to date has always been a job that I got bored of in months. I think being on a routine of taking meds, and now without therapy as well, is making me more focused one what is happening, rather than what should be happening. I seriously don’t know if that’s why I want to stop taking the meds; to do something different.

As it stands, I’m a total train wreck right now, with being unable to be mentally focused, and being physically affected by the sudden withdrawal of my medication. I’m swaying left and right. When I lie down I want to throw up. When I want to get up, I collapse back on to my bed with no energy or drive to move anymore. I’m suffering from nausea all day, I have headaches, and gaps in the day. Sometimes I forget what I’ve done, and other days I want to sleep all day, but am never able to.

If I don’t take my meds, it’s going to be difficult for me to carry on. I’m so fucking scared right now for myself, that I don’t even know what to do. The voice has made it difficult for me to really make the right decisions. The voice has just made this that much more difficult because he says it’s a sign of failure and weakness that I am depending on the medication to keep myself together. I have become too dependant on the medication, and I have no control of myself. The only one that can help me through this is the voice, if I listen to what he says, then I can get through it.

I think I’m just having another breakdown. No big deal.