word of the day - "commitment" ·
25 July 07

So yesterday was my last proper session with the psych, as opposed to the previous session which was not the proper last session.

This session focused, or began to focus, on the causes and the results of why I am the way I am. It was almost like a profile of myself from a psychological perspective I guess. I was uncomfortable with the idea, I even said as much when I was asked what I thought about it. I explained that it just didn’t seem like a productive exercise, but that I don’t mind giving it a shot and seeing what we come up with.

My psych had brought her laptop down with her, so instead of writing a formal letter to one another, “we” worked on a joint statement. I say we, but I mean she, because all I felt I did was agree with what she was saying, “um’d” and “ah’d” and when prompted made a comment or two that she had already given clues about. It felt like a primary school lesson.

It’s not her fault, of course, this was all due to the fact that I felt disconnected from the session, and that I was trying to find ways of attempting to reconnect with the session. I was suffering from memory loss, memory recollection and interference from the voice. I don’t know if these are reason enough to suggest that I couldn’t concentrate, but th ere you have it, that’s what was distracting me. I don’t yet know how to deal with these issues, in order to refocus and concentrate on the task at hand.

The bad news about the session was that we discussed the options of group therapy. This in itself wasn’t a bad thing, but what developed was a little annoyance.

There’s an individual named “Power Zed” I don’t know if that’s her real name, or her super hero name. I don’t even know if that’s a real name and I misheard it, but that’s what I got from hearing it a couple of times. It could be “Parazed” or something different, but it sounded like what I wrote.

So anyway, this “Power Zed” person is someone who wants a real commitment from her groups. A commitment that lasts at least a year. That’s a heavy commitment to make, and one that I explained to my psych that I don’t think I can make. A whole year to something that I may only feel comfortable in doing for maybe two or three sessions, and then to have to stay with that, knowing I don’t feel right doing it, for a whole year – even I would question the purpose of that.

As it is, the group doesn’t even have much in the way of voice hearing focus in it. The group itself is of a mixed variety, and mostly to do with people that have socially isolated themselves, as opposed to those with clinical psychosis and related issues. I wasn’t told whether the group was large or small, but I got the impression that it would be something along the lines of between five or ten people. I only say that because she mentioned only two or three people would be voice hearers and the rest would be a bunch of social recluses. Whether that makes up five or ten, I’ll leave that for you to decide.

There was another option though, and that was to join a new group which would be led by my psych, and would be more focused on voice hearers. When asked what I thought about the options, I explained that I was confused more than anything, as it wasn’t any clearer what my options were, as I couldn’t make a commitment of a year to a group.

I know I couldn’t make that commitment, because it’s not something I want to do for a long period. Part of the reason I suggested group therapy was because I thought I could pick up girls, and be in therapy at the same time. I wasn’t expecting a long term commitment at all. Seriously though, I’m going to think twice about group therapy and I may just stick to monthly visits to see my psych or to see someone else as an alternative for one to one sessions, even if they are no longer as productive as they once were.